Why do people find it necessary to control others? …
I think that it mostly has to do with them feeling like they are out of control. The thing is, the more they attempt to control others, the more the people being controlled fight back and ultimately the less control they have! Funny how that works …
Some people like to call that Karma! I call it a reflection. People like to control because they seek it themselves. Often it comes out with shouting and screaming, name calling, or sometimes even physical violence. And basically it comes down to a lack of self worth.
Consider this. Think of the people in your life who are happy, healthy, vibrant and confidant. How do they treat others? I bet it is usually with respect, courtesy and love, right? Now think of the people in your life who are unhappy, angry, hurt, depressed and who generally don’t feel good about who they are. They will usually either internalise their behaviours and not take care of themselves (e.g., eat crappy foods, drink a lot of alcohol, maybe self harm), or they bignote themselves, make themselves look better than everyone else, whilst attempting to make others look bad (essentially, the tall poppy syndrome).
So, I think the question then becomes, if someone treats us badly, how can WE change it?
This is a big part of the story of MY life! For so long I allowed other people to control me. I would do everything that was asked of me. I would “loan” out money. I would run errands. I would chauffeur people all over town. The list is almost endless. I would get screamed at because I didn’t vacuum the floor QUICKLY enough. Called lazy and a fat whore because of it.
Do I do that now? Nowhere near as much as I used to. I think the key for me has been that i feel better about ME! I know I DESERVE to be taken care of. And of course I now KNOW, that if I don’t take care of myself, then nobody else will! I have realised that if I want to be taken care of, then the ONLY person who can do that is ME.
I have done a lot of work on WHY I need and WANT to take care of me. Really gotten in touch with my personal values and ethics. And I believe that because I know WHY, it makes it much easier to do the HOW! I use those assertiveness skills that are so useful. I stand up for my rights and when someone starts shouting and arguing with me, I put a stop to it quickly. I don’t deserve that kind of drama in my life, and the only way I can stop it is to not engage with it when someone else starts it. If necessary I walk away. People find it extremely difficult to argue with themselves, after all 😉
Bottom line, I deserve BETTER than to be treated like a piece of dirt. And *I* am the one who needs to make that happen!