Do I deserve to have a full, meaningful, and wonderful life?

As I was typing out my excuses list this question popped into my head. I think most, if not all, of the excuses I just listed, come back to this question:

Do I deserve to have a full, meaningful, and wonderful life?

Well, do I?

I’ve always believed I didn’t. One of the biggest messages I understood as a kid was that everyone else was more important than I was. Their emotions were more important. I was never allowed to be angry, frustrated, to cry, to be wrong, to be anything other than a quiet mouse who sat in the background and didn’t take the limelight. 

Those are some hard habits to break! If one of my clients came to me with similar issues I would work toward helping them to realise that they ARE worth it! Just for the simple fact that they breathe the air. Their status of “human being” automatically makes them entitled and allowed to have a full, meaningful and wonderful life!

And yet as I type this, I can feel the emotion welling. Uncertainty. I TELL myself that I deserve it. I can readily voice it to others. But I doubt my ability to really BELIEVE it. Kind of like the difference between knowing something intellectually, and really FEELING it, deep inside.

It’s a tad frustrating to have these doubts. Sometimes I can tell people i definitely deserve it. Other times, such as in this moment as I type this, I doubt it. The nature of the human mind I guess. Maybe I’m just tired since it’s 2am.

I know that those who REALLY “get” that they deserve it, make sure they take care of themselves. We believe it more as we achieve more. So I’ll go about achieving more and know that it will fall into place 🙂

Excuses …

One of the preseason tasks for the 12WBT is to write down all the excuses that you have allowed to rule your life. To stop you from becoming the best possibly version of you. And then to come up with a solution. So, refute them and turn them into non excuses.

I committed to doing some of the preseason tasks this weekend so here I go. And I start with the excuses.

I’m too busy. This is my LIFE here! I need to prioritise my own self care and MAKE time to train and eat right.

too tired. If I train in the morning I can get it out of the way while i’m fresh. And if i do some preparation and a cook up on the weekends, there’s no reason I can’t eat well during the week.

too lazy. Where did this one come from? I’ve always been told i’m lazy. So I believe it? How nuts is that!! I have been “not lazy” enough to get 3 degrees! If I can do that, then I can do this too.

can’t be bothered. What the …!! Can’t be bothered taking care of myself? If I were working with a client who said this to me I would wonder whether he or she felt unworthy of being cared for. I’ve known for a while that this is certainly the case for me. If I can be bothered working for and obtaining 3 degrees, and if i can be bothered taking care of other people, then i CAN ALSO BE BOTHERED taking care of myself!

I’m a procrastinator. I don’t remember who told me this originally. It just seemed to be a part of my life. It feeds into the last two (lazy and bothered) as well. I put everything off? This is an all or nothing statement that has no evidence to support it. There are quite a few things I DON’T procrastinate on (like TV viewing, facebooking and all that kinda stuff lol … even other things too). So, if I can avoid procrastinating on those things, then I can prioritise my own self care.

I’m afraid of failing. Another one where I’ve always been told that I can’t do anything. That I won’t be ABLE to do anything. And yet I have evidence to prove otherwise. I succeeded in getting 3 degrees. I succeeded in getting work and have made a name for myself within the organisation I work for. I am close to completing another step in my career goals. If I can do all that, then I can do THIS too. 

I’m afraid of succeeding. This one feeds back into the post about expectations. What will I be expected to do, to achieve, if (when) I have donated all my excess weight to the universe? As I said in that post, I know this is unfounded. I HAVE succeeded in a number of areas. And I know that when I get to my goal with this part of my self care, I will WANT to do more. To BE more. 

I have to work. I don’t have time to train because I need to work. TOTAL BULL! If I plan it and JFDI, then I CAN make it happen. It’s about priorities. It’s about how much I believe I deserve to do this for me.

I can’t do it, it’s too hard. Again, total BS!! I’ve done it before. Donated 60kg! Totally unfounded. Again it comes down to the belief of me deserving the good things in life. 

I am physically unable to exercise, I’m too big. Who knew that one was there?!?! I’ve done it before. In 2005 I donated 60kg to the universe, and I did it by doing a LOT of exercise. There may be some things I can’t do, but there is a LOT that I can.

This is all I can think of right now, but if I think of anything else, I’ll add it later.

Thanks for listening/reading 🙂

Fear …

Not sure what I wanted to say about this right now, but I had the urge to write, so thought I would come and just see what comes out the end of my fingers 🙂

So. Fear. What is it exactly? Being scared, right? Of what? And why does it hold us back from living the life we want? Or more accurately, why do we ALLOW it to hold us back?

Because it’s SCARY! And that is an extremely unpleasant emotion to experience. In the past I have allowed fear to hold me back from many things. Like what? Well, like going out with friends. Going on picnics. I dread going to places where I know (or think) I won’t be able to keep up. And because I don’t want to hold other people back, I decide not to go at all.

How about from exercising? Afraid of being able to keep up with others, of holding them back and mostly of being judged. What will people think of me if they see me doing these kinds of things at my size? It’s not a pleasant feeling. And it’s why, when the 12WBTers in my area started organising a group training session on the weekend, I declined to go. Speaking with them on the forum gave me the impression that they were so much smaller and fitter than I am. So, despite them assuring me that it would be set up for the different fitness levels, I haven’t been …

Expectations …

At work today I was talking to someone about expectations … the expectations that people will have of you, should you make changes in your life and participate in new things. This person was talking about it in terms of joining a new group and making improvements in life. And that making those improvements would mean that people would expect MORE from you.

I decided to bring it here to discuss, because I have felt EXACTLY the same thing. One of the things that I have been afraid of is those expectations. What will people expect of me as I donate more weight to the universe? What will I have to do to continue “proving myself”?

Interesting questions, don’t you think?

And so are the answers. I know without a doubt that my fears are groundless. As I continue to make donations, gain more energy and get my head together, I know that I will WANT to contribute more. I’ll have more energy to DO more. To THINK more. To BE more. And I will RELISH getting in there and getting my hands dirty.

I have to ask myself … if I know all this, why exactly have I been afraid?