Excuses

One of the preseason tasks for the 12WBT is to get out all the excuses you have used in the past to hold you back from achieving the things you have wanted to achieve. This being by third round, I need to admit that this is the first time I have done this task the way it was intended (go figure lol). So, in no particular order (just as they occurred to me), my excuses are:

  • I don’t deserve to take care of my body
  • I’ve worked hard, I deserve a treat
  • I don’t want to do this
  • I can’t be bothered
  • I’m too tired
  • I’m too busy
  • I’m not worth it
  • I’m scared
  • I can’t!
  • I don’t want it badly enough
  • I don’t deserve to be cared for and about
  • I always fail
  • I can’t do this
  • I don’t want to take responsibility
  • I can’t take responsibility
  • I’ve never had to take responsibility
  • I can’t be motivated
  • I think too much
  • I hurt too much (after training)
  • I need sugar
  • I want to eat this unhealthy snack
  • I haven’t eaten breakfast and am hungry
  • I never have time for breakfast
  • I haven’t had enough sleep
  • I don’t have time
  • I’m too disorganised
  • There’s no-one around to help me

A lot of these have been around with me for a very long time! Particularly the ones about taking responsibility and “needing” sugar! The truth is, every single one of these is a crock of shit!

I don’t have time for breakfast because I go to bed too late to get enough sleep! I do not NEED sugar. If I gave my body enough time without it, I just simply wouldn’t crave it the way I do. I don’t NEED people to help me, I CAN do it for myself! I am disorganised because I sit on my butt watching TV or on FB and don’t DO what I need to do! I DO deserve this, and I AM worth it!

I have the ABILITY to RESPOND in any way I choose. So, beginning NOW, I choose to respond DIFFERENTLY!!

I CAN and WILL do this!

Going Back to Basics

*sigh*

I have been thinking about and procrastinating on this post for 3 days now (big surprise) …

I have now completed 2 rounds of the 12 Week Body Transformation by Michelle Bridges. I have met many wonderful women. I have cried, laughed, been depressed, hidden myself away, celebrated, supported, been supported and had my ass kicked. Several times over. It has certainly been a bit of a roller coaster!

I have done a lot of things in the last 6 months that I would never have even considered before joining this program. I now do personal training sessions weekly, I attend outdoor group workouts, I have trained with Shannan Ponton and Emazon. I have climbed some of the 1000 steps in Victoria. I have learned much more about how my body works and what holds it back from functioning at capacity. Many of these have been the subject of previous blog posts, so If you haven’t read them, please take a tour of the last several months 🙂

The one thing I haven’t done is to follow the nutrition and training plans to a T. I have made some of the recipes but have mostly done my own thing. I have looked at the training plans and have done bits and pieces of them, but again, have mostly done my own thing. My trainer has been really good and has set me up well with things that work for me. She pushes me a little beyond what I think is my capability every time we train, and having that scheduled in weekly is very helpful in getting me to commit to the sessions. Likewise, having the Saturday sessions scheduled has been helpful in getting my butt out the door to train. Other times during the week I have not been as successful. And the last couple of weeks my bad habits with food have been creeping back in. Allowing myself to snack at work, get takeaway and buy unhealthy foods and consume them mindlessly. And I am noticing the difference in my training too. My last couple of sessions have been horrible in terms of my energy levels and fatigue. 

After discussions with some other girls on the program I have decided that I need to take back control and get back to the basic premise that this program stands for. I have traditionally been a person who never really follows through on things. I get so far and then back off, allowing old stuff to sneak in. 

No more, enough is enough!!

I have decided that I WILL commit myself to the basics of the program. I will:

  • Follow the nutrition plans
  • Do 5-6 training sessions per week, which includes one PT session and one SSS
  • Push my boundaries in training to discover and explore the limits my mind has imposed on my body
  • Shop and do a large cook-up either weekly or fortnightly, which will ensure there is always a healthy meal available on the days I am tired after work
  • Give myself a weekly reward for sticking to the program
  • Seek support on the occasions I feel like I am slipping
  • Celebrate my successes with the small, everyday tasks of eating clean and training
  • Blog at least 3 times per week, reporting on progress and celebrations
  • Record both nutrition and exercise on a daily basis using Myfitnesspal

As frightening and confronting as this is, I make this commitment not only to my fellow 12WBT 30+ crew and Michelle Bridges, but to myself. Because I DESERVE to nurture myself. Nutrition and training are, I believe, the ultimate way to nurture the mind, body and soul.

🙂

Grief

Grief is an interesting process. Most people think of it as the process they go through when someone close to them passes away. I believe it is so much more than that. It’s a process of adjusting to change. Sometimes that change comes about through death and other times it comes about from other changes. When the change is sudden, the adjustment can be rougher than when it is gradual.

During the past several months I have been through many changes. My workplace has been completely restructured and the fallout has been pretty extreme, and not all in a positive way. I have embarked on the 12WBT journey, have had many new, wonderful people come into my life, have discovered abilities I never new I had, and have struggled to keep up with the changes to the belief system that has been my crutch for more years than I care to count. 

Today I feel a little like I am floundering around in an environment that is uncertain and unstable. And I know that it is all in my mind. That sounds kind of like I’m a little nuts (some might agree 😉 ). I’m conflicted. I’ve had all this turmoil with the work changes that climaxed at the end of June and continue as adjustments are made to the major changes there. These adjustments have been overshadowed by some really positive opportunities that have come out of the restructure. I am grateful for the opportunities and the personal and career growth that has come from them, and will continue to be so.

I am struggling to find the words to accurately describe how lost I feel. As I think about a professional relationship that I no longer have, I realise that I am grieving the loss. And as I write these words I have tears in my eyes. This relationship has been instrumental in my career development over the past five years and had I not had this person in my life, I likely would not be where I am right now. I have had so many opportunities in this time that have supported me in developing my professional skills and have opened many doors. I have been able to spread my wings and have learned incredible amounts, both professionally and personally. And now, without that support, I feel like there is a big hole left behind.

In order to move forward I am choosing to look toward new opportunities and focus on the positive experiences I have had during this time. They have set me up with a much higher level of professional confidence and the potential for so much success into the future. I now KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have the talent it takes to help people in my chosen profession. This will continue as I utilise new opportunities to further develop my skills.

In the meantime, I’ll work on making that hole smaller. 

 

Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. – Earl Grollman

What does self care actually mean?

The few days have been really full on for me. I have facilitated a group, and attended a 2 day retreat with my team of colleagues around the state, all of which have been amazing and powerful experiences for those involved (me included). During the retreat my skill as a professional was acknowledged and I was asked to share some of my skills with my colleagues. A great honour and privilege and I feel grateful to my colleagues for the opportunity. After this opportunity I received some very positive feedback from a few of my colleagues, which was great. The location was really nice, a small retreat tucked in between some mountains. Cozy rooms, comfortable beds, and great caring service. And the food was completely divine! That said, these last 3 days has been quite emotionally draining, given the material that was covered.

Part of the retreat was about self care. We were asked to reflect upon how we practise it and what it means to us, not just as clinicians, but also as people. We were asked to think about the areas that we felt needed attention for our own self care. I felt that I needed to address 2 main areas. The first was the ability to recognise when I needed to nurture myself, and the second was acknowledging that I deserve to practise it in the first place. This is a big thing for me given my previous esteem issues, and I feel I have had a light bulb moment with it 🙂

We were given a pack at the retreat which had a few simple pampering things included. A fun old fashioned device that most Australian kids would be familiar with, the blowing of bubbles. There was also a quote individual to each of us. Mine really resonated with me and given my experiences with Emazon and the 12WBT in recent months, it was very apt. 

I don’t remember the exact words right now, but it was about trusting our instincts. Our bodies were meant to move naturally and fluidly, and if we overthink it, our body will stall. When I find the paper I will post the exact wording. 

After the retreat ended yesterday I spent the night with one of my 12WBT girls and this morning we went to bootcamp. I then went to breakfast with a friend and did a few flights of stairs in her house, and followed that up with an afternoon SSS with our local crew. A total of 1241 calories burnt for the day, and a great feeling of accomplishment. Along with an aggravated left knee and a plantar fasciitis that is also playing up. So tomorrow I will be resting, icing and elevating, as per instructions from my trainer. Self care in practise, right? 🙂

Update on trusting my authentic self

I just wanted to update from my last post. I stated that during my PT session today I would trust myself to know how much was enough. 

My training went well. 1 hour 3 minutes, 740 calories burnt, with a maximum heart rate of 214 bpm and 56 minutes spent in the fitness burning zone. I’m a happy camper about that 🙂

Staying true to yourself

I just watched the weekly video for this week (11) on the 12WBT website. I felt the urge to post about it, so here I am. That said, I’m not entirely sure what it is I want to write. The video was about saboteurs. Those people who, for whatever reason, say or do things that impact your journey in an unhelpful way. They may offer you junk food, they may make comments about your weight that you find unpleasant, or they may even challenge you on something when you aren’t ready to hear about it.

I’ve been guilty of this one. Many times when I was younger my parents or whoever would say things like “you have such a pretty face, if you lost weight you’d be beautiful”. Other times I would get “you shouldn’t be eating that cake” or “do you really need that chocolate”. The second two used to always send my inner rebel out to fight! I’d be like “you can’t tell me what to eat! I’ll show you!” And then I would proceed to consume copious amounts of whatever food I was told I couldn’t/shouldn’t have. I REALLY showed them, didn’t I?? Look at me now!

The one that really impacted me though, amongst others, was the “you have such a pretty face, if you lost weight you’d be beautiful”. I learned that I just wasn’t beautiful at all. And I find that incredibly sad. I look back at that as an adult and see an impressionable teenager being taught all about how nasty people can be in life. I never saw my own beauty. I saw what I was told to see. Ungliness. 

Looking at that word as I type it, I feel incredibly sad and I feel the urge to cry for that incredibly beautiful, vulnerable teenager I used to be. In some ways I still am her. She deserved to be loved unconditionally and she didn’t get it. She got the condition: get rid of the weight and THEN you’ll get the love you deserve. You know what? Fuck that!! 

That defenseless girl didn’t get a chance to stand up for herself! It hurts my heart to know that she wasn’t given that opportunity and it saddens me that it was taken away from her without her consent!

That girl DESERVES to be loved! She deserves nothing less than to be a shining star. She didn’t get it when she was young. But she CAN have it now! The best part is that she now KNOWS that she deserves it. And she has the POWER to get it!

How? By TAKING it, that’s how! 

*I*, my true, authentic self, KNOWS that I deserve unconditional love. I deserve to trust myself and my ability to get what I need out of life. I deserve to be phenomenal. I *AM* phenomenal! Just the way I am.

*I*, am ENOUGH!

 

Tomorrow I have a personal training session in the afternoon. I will *trust* in my instincts, to know that my efforts in that session are enough for what I need to get out of that session. I won’t look at my HRM. I WILL listen to my authentic self and know that I CAN do what I set out to do. 

🙂

Fear and Emazon

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment today. I was watching one of the 12WBT videos at the time, which could be completely irrelevant, but could also have been what triggered the glow (go figure).

So, here is the deal. Since I saw Emazon 10 days ago I have been feeling a bit strange. Well, I’m not sure whether strange is the most accurate word, but it it probably the closest one I have right now. You see, I don’t feel like I have been allowing my authentic self to emerge too often. Even as soon as the drive home from the session, I allowed the masks to have control and I bought and consumed junk food. At the time I remember thinking that I was testing out the control and  the CHOICE that I had as my real self. Upon reflection, I am wondering whether this was accurate.

Since then I have allowed myself to emerge within my career and to teach other people about their authentic self and how to get into the alpha state. This part has been great! On the other side, I have eaten some junk food (not heaps, but enough for it to register) and have not followed through on all of my training sessions. My brain has been telling me that I have been listening to my authentic self and that what I have been doing is “enough” for her. The thing is, in the last 4-5 days I have also felt the urge to train a few times and have ignored it … I haven’t been *listening*.

I’m also still focused on the numbers. Wearing my HRM during the training sessions I have done, and getting on the scales each day. That said, I have had a couple of wins. I did my first zumba class, despite my brain telling me that I shouldn’t even get out of the car. I not only got out, I went in and despite feeling like a fool, I did the class. I felt like I won with that. I also did a SSS training session (well, most of one), despite feeling ill with cramps from TTOM. Another win, since I would normally have piked and stayed home in bed.

So, while I was watching this video today the glow of the light told me that what I have been feeling is fear. It took me a while to figure out how and why it was there.

It’s a fear of my own power. Of that which I am capable. If I allow my authentic self to truly emerge, what is she able to really do with that power. The potential is limitless. And THAT is scary. My eyes get teary just thinking about that potential.

And yet I also know that there is nothing to be afraid of, because I DO have everything that I need, to be able to live to that potential. *I* am capable of extraordinary things. 

So why exactly am I allowing the fear to rule? I’m just a little confused. 

The Switch …

This needs to be just a short post today since I am scheduled to get out of bed early in the morning and it’s getting a tad late right now. 

I just wanted to report on something that I am finding very interesting and fascinating. This has left me feeling somewhat dumbfounded, but even more so, I feel that I can trust in myself again. 

For the last 3-4 weeks my weight has been fluctuating, and I had been getting somewhat frustrated with it since it just wasn’t moving in the direction I wanted it to! Now don’t get me wrong, this has happened before. A few times. When I first began my health journey back in 2004 I donated a smidge over 60kg by early to mid 2006. Then I got some full time work and I fell off the horse and went back to old habits. I regained about 20kg between then and January this year, when I began my 12wbt journey. In the middle of round 1 I donated and regained the same 4-5kg several times over for about 5 or 6 of the 12 week round. Things really only began moving again after I returned home from Melbourne and the round 1 finale and I recognised and acknowledged how far I have actually come since beginning this journey.

So, having this experience again in the last few weeks is certainly not a new one. I am incredibly grateful that it is only a 500 gram fluctuation rather than a full 4-5kg (or even more), as it has been in the past.

One of the things Emazon taught me is that our true self is always aware of what is happening for us, on a much deeper level than we ever imagine. She is always there to look out for us and look after us. And she will give us some big signals to help us to realise what is happening for us in any given moment. In short, she protects herself because she *knows* that we aren’t yet ready to face what will come after we break through those barriers. If we have *any* baggage hanging around, she will halt things until we get rid of it and we are ready to move again.

So, here is the thing. Since my Emazon experience I have been focusing on nurturing my spirit (true self) and helping her to process the things I have heard. Which means that I have not done any training. Nor have I eaten anything special, or even focused on drinking more water. And yet, in the 3 days since I have seen her, the scales have informed me that I am 3.3kg lighter than I was on Wednesday morning. And all this coming on the back of 3-4 weeks of fluctuations.

Like I said, dumbfounded is definitely a word I would use to describe the way I have been feeling today. More than that though, I have been excited! Things are finally moving again! Yayyy! I can’t wait for the official week 10 weigh in on Wednesday morning!

This has really brought home to me how intuitive and instinctual our bodies really are. If we really listen to our true selves and give our bodies what they need, they *will* respond. Ali really needed me to listen to her and to let go of some of the negativity I have been holding onto for so long.

Thank you Emazon, for helping me to flick the switch inside myself. 🙂

Link

 

Right now all I can say is “WOW”

I had been hearing quite a few of the 30+ crew members talk about this incredible person who could completely change your life. I remember thinking that I had to meet this woman if she had this kind of power. Let me introduce you to her. Her name is Emazon. You will find all things Emazon right here. She is a personal trainer who uses fight techniques to get inside your head and help you to bring out your authentic self.

This past Thursday I was honoured and privileged to have had the most amazing experience. I was able to secure some sessions with Emazon and even though I was a little fearful of what would come out, I went, open to hearing what she had to say. Given the “she changes lives” message that I received from other people, I had some pretty high expectations. And having now had 2 days to reflect and ponder the experience, I must say, they were met and even exceeded 🙂

I had an individual consultation in the morning and within 5 minutes Emazon pretty much had me nailed. She saw through all the masks I’ve been carrying around for so many years to who *I* really am. From childhood I have been bombarded by the issues and expectations of other people in my life. Alison was not given the completely unconditional love she deserved. So she masked her true, authentic self.

In the evening I took part in fight class. An hour long training session where Emazon teaches you how to allow your true authentic self to emerge to be in the moment and to allow her freedom to go beyond what was previously thought impossible. I learned how to STAND 🙂

This was followed up with a neuroscience lesson (otherwise known as Mind Fit). A seminar on how to listen to your authentic self and give her what she needs, instead of allowing the masks to rule. A lesson on how to get yourself into your alpha state, to even out the brainwaves and allow much greater clarity of thinking and problem solving capacity.

I learned how to allow Ali to emerge.  And let me tell you, I love her!

Allow me to introduce you to Ali and Emazon 🙂