I had a bit of a lightbulb moment today. I was watching one of the 12WBT videos at the time, which could be completely irrelevant, but could also have been what triggered the glow (go figure).
So, here is the deal. Since I saw Emazon 10 days ago I have been feeling a bit strange. Well, I’m not sure whether strange is the most accurate word, but it it probably the closest one I have right now. You see, I don’t feel like I have been allowing my authentic self to emerge too often. Even as soon as the drive home from the session, I allowed the masks to have control and I bought and consumed junk food. At the time I remember thinking that I was testing out the control and the CHOICE that I had as my real self. Upon reflection, I am wondering whether this was accurate.
Since then I have allowed myself to emerge within my career and to teach other people about their authentic self and how to get into the alpha state. This part has been great! On the other side, I have eaten some junk food (not heaps, but enough for it to register) and have not followed through on all of my training sessions. My brain has been telling me that I have been listening to my authentic self and that what I have been doing is “enough” for her. The thing is, in the last 4-5 days I have also felt the urge to train a few times and have ignored it … I haven’t been *listening*.
I’m also still focused on the numbers. Wearing my HRM during the training sessions I have done, and getting on the scales each day. That said, I have had a couple of wins. I did my first zumba class, despite my brain telling me that I shouldn’t even get out of the car. I not only got out, I went in and despite feeling like a fool, I did the class. I felt like I won with that. I also did a SSS training session (well, most of one), despite feeling ill with cramps from TTOM. Another win, since I would normally have piked and stayed home in bed.
So, while I was watching this video today the glow of the light told me that what I have been feeling is fear. It took me a while to figure out how and why it was there.
It’s a fear of my own power. Of that which I am capable. If I allow my authentic self to truly emerge, what is she able to really do with that power. The potential is limitless. And THAT is scary. My eyes get teary just thinking about that potential.
And yet I also know that there is nothing to be afraid of, because I DO have everything that I need, to be able to live to that potential. *I* am capable of extraordinary things.
So why exactly am I allowing the fear to rule? I’m just a little confused.