I just watched the weekly video for this week (11) on the 12WBT website. I felt the urge to post about it, so here I am. That said, I’m not entirely sure what it is I want to write. The video was about saboteurs. Those people who, for whatever reason, say or do things that impact your journey in an unhelpful way. They may offer you junk food, they may make comments about your weight that you find unpleasant, or they may even challenge you on something when you aren’t ready to hear about it.
I’ve been guilty of this one. Many times when I was younger my parents or whoever would say things like “you have such a pretty face, if you lost weight you’d be beautiful”. Other times I would get “you shouldn’t be eating that cake” or “do you really need that chocolate”. The second two used to always send my inner rebel out to fight! I’d be like “you can’t tell me what to eat! I’ll show you!” And then I would proceed to consume copious amounts of whatever food I was told I couldn’t/shouldn’t have. I REALLY showed them, didn’t I?? Look at me now!
The one that really impacted me though, amongst others, was the “you have such a pretty face, if you lost weight you’d be beautiful”. I learned that I just wasn’t beautiful at all. And I find that incredibly sad. I look back at that as an adult and see an impressionable teenager being taught all about how nasty people can be in life. I never saw my own beauty. I saw what I was told to see. Ungliness.
Looking at that word as I type it, I feel incredibly sad and I feel the urge to cry for that incredibly beautiful, vulnerable teenager I used to be. In some ways I still am her. She deserved to be loved unconditionally and she didn’t get it. She got the condition: get rid of the weight and THEN you’ll get the love you deserve. You know what? Fuck that!!
That defenseless girl didn’t get a chance to stand up for herself! It hurts my heart to know that she wasn’t given that opportunity and it saddens me that it was taken away from her without her consent!
That girl DESERVES to be loved! She deserves nothing less than to be a shining star. She didn’t get it when she was young. But she CAN have it now! The best part is that she now KNOWS that she deserves it. And she has the POWER to get it!
How? By TAKING it, that’s how!
*I*, my true, authentic self, KNOWS that I deserve unconditional love. I deserve to trust myself and my ability to get what I need out of life. I deserve to be phenomenal. I *AM* phenomenal! Just the way I am.
*I*, am ENOUGH!
Tomorrow I have a personal training session in the afternoon. I will *trust* in my instincts, to know that my efforts in that session are enough for what I need to get out of that session. I won’t look at my HRM. I WILL listen to my authentic self and know that I CAN do what I set out to do.