I’ve had an interesting few days. Sunday I had our remembering service, where I helped others, and had the opportunity myself, to remember loved ones who have passed away. I released 3 balloons for my mum, dad and brother, which was nice. On the way home I bought myself KFC for dinner because I didn’t have anything much in the house to cook and quite frankly, I felt disinclined to do anything after such a big afternoon!
Monday and Tuesday I attended work functions without having had breakfast (no groceries in the house), so I indulged in the available morning tea, which consisted of a selection of cakes and slices. Monday lunch I had a quiche with salad, and dinner I had lasagna with salad. Tuesday I didn’t get lunch at all and the only food available was left over morning tea from the function. So I had some. And I know I allowed my excuses to win, because despite being exhausted from the morning, I could have gone to the shop to get something healthy, something that would have served me better. I felt fed up with myself and dissatisfied, so I made sure to go to the supermarket on the way home Tuesday to get some groceries for the rest of the week. I had fish and salad for dinner after a long, exhausting day. That was a win!
This morning I woke up early for a PT session with my trainer after almost 6 hours sleep. The entire session I was only half awake and since then I have felt emotional from everything that has happened in recent days. Now, more than 12 hours later, I feel like I need to step things up a bit. To learn how to focus more and block out everything other than what I’m doing at the time.
Last week on October 8, 9 and 10 I was privileged to be able to spend some more time with Emazon. As a reminder, I got to spend some time with her in July when she came to Brisbane. I have a couple of previous posts on my experiences with her, so feel free to browse if you haven’t already read about what I gained from that experience.
This most recent experience was no less profound than the first. The first experience for me was about acknowledging how many masks I have been wearing most of my life and how much worth I really have. I learned that I am ENOUGH, just as I am.
This time I cemented that knowledge so that I truly believe it. From the inside out. I learned about all those masks (see my previous post on the inspiration board I did for one of the 12wbt weekly surprises describing my mandala) and how much we allow them to control what we do in our lives. We allow the mind chatter (blue self) to override our instincts, or our authentic selves (red woman). And our red woman sits in the background watching and waiting for use to listen. She always knows when things aren’t the way they are meant to be and she gives us messages to let us know. If we don’t listen to them, she sends others. Bigger ones. And sometimes they are so big that they knock us flat on our asses in a big way.
The first workshop I did, Stand Your Ground (SYG) 1 is about learning how to listen to your red woman and literally stand your ground. To trust your instincts without allowing the blue chatter in, which usually results in moving you away from living authentically. Emma uses boxing and self defense as a metaphor. Trust and faith are two words that have historically been lacking in my life. I have allowed that blue stuff to get in the way again and again and again. SYG showed me that I am capable of trusting myself, even when I cannot see the target I am aiming for. I got those boxing gloves on and hit the focus pads again and again, focusing on allowing my red self to emerge and get some air time. At one point we were asked to close our eyes and hit the focus pads without knowing where it was. While I missed it a couple of times, I got it the majority. I slowed down, focused, and listened. Powerful stuff!
I got some sparring time in with Emma too, and let me tell you, that woman can be intimidating when she wants to be! The second she took the pads off the friend I was working with my mind started racing and I felt extremely nervous. But she got me to focus and stop all that blue crap from impinging on my actions. She screamed (well, it felt like a scream but probably wasn’t) at me to “block it out” (all the blue noise). And I hit her. Over and over.
She showed me how to ignore the voice that gives me all the doubts about what I can do. The voice that puts out all the negative messages about how unworthy I am. I learned how to ignore that voice and allow my instincts to come out and STAND!! Emma was doing her best to distract me and pop my protective bubble, to get me to crumble, and I didn’t! I took what she dished out and gave it right back to her! The entire time I spent with her (one on one) was probably about 30 seconds or so, and it was probably one of the most powerful 30 seconds of my life. I discovered that I enjoy hittin’ shit. And I wanna do it again. With Emma 🙂
At the same time, that thought fills me with fear. If I ask Emma to do a one on one training session with me, what if she asks me to do something I’m not physically capable of yet? *deep breath* Blue noise, right?
SYG 2 was very similar to the first one, and further reinforced the concepts, ideas and beliefs I got from SYG 1. It was incredibly powerful and this time I got to hit a couple of guys! First time I’ve ever done that!! At the end we did a meditation/visualization very similar to one we did the first time I met Emma in July. The idea was to walk to the end of a corridor, stand before a door, open it and go in. Look around, see what surrounds you, take everything in. Behind you stands your red self and when you turn around she has a message for you. Notice everything about her and take in the message she gives you.
At the time I found the visualization quite strange, but upon reflection, it makes sense, and it fits in nicely with the last one we did in July. Builds on it I guess.
The corridor was the hallway in my childhood home, which was the same as in the last visualisation I did. My brain seemed to snap in and said no, it’s not supposed to be the same, it needs to be different. I started to see a green door, and because it wasn’t supposed to be the same it changed to white. Then it changed to a beige/light brown/teak colour. The door was made of wood, styled in a modern contemporary look and had a gold handle that you pushed down to open.
Inside was an office in the right corner immediately inside the door, which spread out into a forest clearing (same as the last visualisation in Brisbane). The difference was that the office was smaller and started to fade into the background. I called it back into the foreground and it almost immediately faded again. Called it back a second time and it faded again, so I let it go. The forest clearing was bigger and more pronounced, the grass greener, fuller, lusher. The trees were further away but at the same time seemed bigger and towered higher. No wildlife/bugs in sight cause I don’t like them. 🙂
I turned around to find my authentic self behind me. She looked just like me with the face and hair, and had a healthy, fit body. She was casually dressed, though it was unclear what she was wearing. She smiled at me with complete acceptance. She didn’t say anything, just looked into my eyes and smiled. Complete love and unconditional acceptance. I asked her if I could “do it”, and she just kept looking at me, with the same expression.
Answer enough in itself, I believe 🙂
The white door apparently means inspiration. I need to look to what inspires me. If I don’t follow my inspiration, I will lose my authentic self. The green door is about heart, courage or compassion. Being able to put myself in the shoes of someone else. Something I do every day I think. I wonder why the green door became white? Maybe because I do so much putting myself into others’ shoes that I tend to lose myself in the process. I think this is telling me that my inspiration will see me through. It will allow me to do my work and still be myself. Still nurture myself and trust my red woman.
The office is my current environment. Where I am right now. The forest clearing is about earth. To ground yourself, stabalise yourself before you move forward and take the next step. I need to spend some time with myself, learning how to truly trust in my red woman. My mind and body will always know what I need.
I’ve learned that this is definitely true and what I need to do now is to give it some time, to practice listening to myself and acknowledging my red self. Ground myself. I need to learn to accept the blue noise for what it is, to practice blocking it out and to make choices consciously, before I take action, without guilt and with full awareness of the consequences. That blue noise is not my identity. It’s a shield that in the past has protected me. I no longer need that protection. If I allow the blue noise to put me into a panic, I will continue to make choices that move me away from the freedom of self love and self respect. And every time I listen, trust and follow the path of my red woman, I earn those very same things. Freedom, self love and self respect.
The last few days have shown me that I really need to do this for myself. I now have clarity on what my next step is for my health. It is in 3 parts:
- Talk to my trainer about stepping things up and working with me on trusting myself (and her) to know what I am capable of physically.
- Practice trusting my red self. Work on accepting the blue noise for what it is and blocking it out. Becoming more mindful of what it’s telling me and being able to make choices with my free will, with full consciousness of the consequences of making those choices.
- Seek out a therapist who does kiniesiology, acupuncture and lymphatic drainage to assist me in releasing all the extra fluid my body likes to hold on to. It has served its purpose and is now holding me back. It’s time to get rid of it for good.
Emma, I would personally like to thank you for helping me to understand how to listen to myself. With your help over the last 3 months I have begun the process of transforming my mindset and integrating it with my body and spirit. I am incredibly grateful for your very unique gifts and talents. I can see a big difference within myself already and I know that I will continue this journey. Thank you 🙂