Perfection, Pressure and Processing

I’ve had a very busy two weeks at work. Things have been pretty full on and some of the people I’ve been working with have had some emotionally intense issues to deal with. Since this was backed up against three intense days of Emazon sessions, I haven’t really had a chance to work through and process what I learned with her. Since I came back from the Sunshine Coast and Emazon on October 10th, I have had two days off, and both of those have been busy with stuff.

The last two days at work I have had some pretty emotionally intense encounters with several clients and I found myself feeling quite overwhelmed. So I put in a call to a good friend to debrief and allowed myself to “let it all hang out”. And I realised that my “moment” had nothing whatsoever to do with the work issues and everything to do with other things.

In the last three weeks my body has been retaining almost 4kg of fluid. Since I purchased my scales in late January this year I have been regularly weighing in to check the numbers, almost on a daily (and sometimes twice daily) basis. I know, without a doubt, that fluctuations on any given day are completely natural with cyles and hormones, and with that in mind I have, for the most part, not allowed the numbers to impact my mindset (at least not all the time).

In my Emazon sessions I have begun the process of learning to trust my authentic self and listen to her, trusting her to know what I need in my life.

I have spent most of my life in mindlessness and unawareness of my emotions and needs of any kind. My journey of self love has been like riding a wave. Sometimes things are going along swimmingly and other times they are rocky and quite volatile. I have dealt with a lot of conditioning that had me believing that I was worthless. I’ve dealt with a lot of mindlessness and numbness. Becoming more aware of how and why I do things has been a slow process and one which has led me to more mindless eating as I processed the new messages.

Since I began my 12wbt journey I have become significantly more aware of not only the way my body reacts to certain foods, but also how my brain reacts to my body (and of course how my body responds to my brain – probably the one that has cause me the most angst). I have laughed, cried and been an emotional wreck. I have taught, I have inspired, I have been inspired. I have learned, not only about other people, but most importantly about myself.

One of the biggest things (they were all big, really) I got out of my most recent sessions with Emazon is about not measuring “the numbers”. My body, my authentic self, will always know what I need.  In every arena. I don’t need to have the numbers to know. They are innacurate anyway, so why bother with them. So I took off my heart rate monitor and haven’t worn it since. I put my scales in the cupboard between weigh in days.

So guess what my “moment” today was all about? Yup, the numbers! This was a major “who knew THAT was there” moment.

In the first two weeks of this current round of the 12wbt (round 3) I dropped 6.8kg. That was HUGE for me and I was really excited! Who wouldn’t be, right? The thing is, in week 3 my body decided to do what it always does and retained fluid, sending the scales up 2.5kg (I think). I spent the next five weeks donating that BACK to the universe to get back to a total donation of 7kg. This obviously took me to week 7 in the program. Still pretty good with a 1kg donation each week. And then in week 8 I had another gain of 3.1kg. Week 9 saw another 600g go on, which has taken me back to a total donation of 3.4kg in nine weeks. My measurements (chest, waist, hips, arms and thighs) are also up 12cm from week 1. Those are the facts.

The emotions are very different.

I have learned this program is so NOT about the numbers! It’s about living your best life and being the extraordinary woman I have come to believe I truly am.  Emazon has taught me about trusting my authentic self and knowing that SHE has my back and always knows exactly what I need.

Some of the numbers

The last several weeks I have told fellow 12wbters (particularly those in the fabulous 30+ crew) to forget the numbers and celebrate other things. Fitness achievements. Mindset changes. Habit changes. And every single day when I go onto the 30+ page I see a huge focus on the numbers and how important they are. People tell me again and again how I need to do a, b or c. Smash out your training. Drink 500 litres of water a day (deliberately exaggerated). You’re not supposed to drink any more than 3 litres a day because it can be dangerous (this from a work colleague). These are only a few examples and there are plenty more if I cared to put my mind to thinking about them, but they illustrate my point. I have all these messages bombarding my brain. And a lot of it conflicting information about different stuff. All of it about what I “should” be doing every day.

Needing to pull the pin!

The intensity of the last few days and weeks at work came to a head today when I debriefed with my friend. I had a huge slap in the face with a realisation that *I* have allowed all this NOISE to impact my headspace. I have been feeling pressured. My friend described it kind of like the pin in a hand grenade. You need to pull the pin to release the pressure and allow it to blow. and blow it did, let me tell you! I realised that the noise was telling me that I wasn’t “doing” this journey the right way. That I “should” be doing things differently. I should eat differently. I should train differently. I should measure differently. I should think differently. I SHOULD do it PERFECTLY. The way other people do it. Oh, the expectations and pressure I put on myself!!

 

The thing is, I am NOT other people. *I* am ME. Ali. And Ali is perfect JUST THE WAY SHE IS!

This has been a huge realisation and a huge lesson for me. My friend helped me to realise that I needed to pull that pin, and she facilitated the process for me. I thank her from the bottom of my heart. The process of trusting my authentic self began with Emazon back in July, continued with her earlier this month, and I have just learned another very important lesson along the path.

Tonight, after pulling that pin, I am feeling a lot more grounded, peaceful and free. I feel like that pin has been removed and the noise has been blown sky high.

And as a result I feel free to go about doing what my authentic self is asking me to do. So, this weekend I am going  back to basics. Cooking, training, self care and nurturing my soul. Peace 🙂

 

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2 comments on “Perfection, Pressure and Processing

  1. Loved your book. I feel for you how can I tell you I think you are a wonderful women . Go keep finding the real you. It is a journey not an ending just like finding our healthy selves . We find the way that is good for our health and soul . Your so right about the scals thanks Iam putting mine away intill weight in. Thanks

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