I’m not sure what I need to write right now, so I am just going to let my fingers do what they do and see what comes out the other end….
My emotions have been a little all over the place in the last few weeks and months. Some of this I have talked about in previous posts, particularly the most recent post titled “Radical Trust”. If you haven’t already done so, please feel free to take a peek 🙂
This is my fourth round of the 12wbt. I began the journey in the preseason, in January 2012. The round itself started February 13th. Each round I have learned more. About the program, about the numbers, about other members, and most of all, about myself.
Without a doubt, this journey has been one of the most challenging I have ever embarked upon. Also without a doubt, if I had the choice to begin it again or continue the life I had, I would unquestioningly choose to do it all over again. I have achieved some amazing things in the past 10 months. I have dropped 31kg. An awesome number. I’m sure if I even thought about lifting that amount of weight I would find it difficult, possibly even downright impossible! I know that I have a LOT more to still get rid of. Over 100kg in fact. But you know what? I don’t care about the numbers any more. I KNOW that I can do this. And even more than that, it is about so much MORE than the numbers now. It is about the rest of my life. It is about all the little things that I have achieved. It is about everything that I have to gain.
Here is what I have achieved (in random order, as I think of them):
- Dropped 31kg
- Increased my fitness
- Dropped clothing sizes (the numbers are unclear due to the inability to shop in standard clothing stores). I now fit into some size 26 tops
- I have trained with 3 of the best PT’s this country has on offer – Michelle Bridges, Shannan Ponton and Emma Barbato (Emazon) – see photos in several earlier posts for photographic evidence 🙂
- I have been working regularly with my own PT since the beginning of round 2 in May. I began this process with 1 half hour session per week and I now do 2 hour long sessions per week.
- I have attended outdoor bootcamp style training sessions with my local 12wbt group, which was a huge achievement for me at the beginning. This is an amazing group of supportive women and I am extremely grateful for all of their support!
- I have climbed some of the historic 1000 steps in Melbourne. Another HUGE achievement.
- I have met some amazingly inspiring, supportive women who are complete rockstars in their own right!
- I have done wall sits and pushups (modified), two things I have previously thought completely impossible!
- I have boxed!
- I have repeatedly fallen “off the wagon” with my nutrition habits. Over and over again, in fact. And yet, every time I do, I pull myself back up and climb back on. AND, the time between falls continually gets further apart, and the time spent on the ground continually gets smaller
- I have owned my responses
- I have owned my achievements. Not always immediately, but that ownership, and pride, is definitely there now, when it hasn’t been for most of my life
- I now recognise and acknowledge my worth. I am worthy, simply because I live and breathe.
- I have become much more aware of myself physically and emotionally. I find it much easier now to recognise when I need to nurture myself and take some time out for me. To acknowledge when I am stressed. To admit (to myself and others) when I am in need of support
- I now know that I don’t have to do this on my own. It IS ok to ask for help. It is not a weakness to need a little support
- I have become more aware of how my body responds to certain foods, particularly sodium laden ones, and I have learned some things about which ones I need to stay away from
3 rounds and 2 weeks. This list is probably not exhaustive. If I spoke with some of the other 12wbters I would likely be reminded of more things I have achieved and that need to be included in the list. Looking at the list written like this, it looks pretty impressive, right?
Well, i’m not quite done yet. I want to keep these 2 things separate because out of everything, to me they are probably the biggest achievements I could ever have made. I am getting emotional just thinking about them, and I will admit to having tears in my eyes as I type. This is THAT huge!
For the longest time I have been probably one of the most sedentary people in the country. Possibly not THE most sedentary, but certainly up there. I am talking for at least the last 15 to 20 years. Outside of work/university, I would mostly sit in my house and not do much of anything. And while I was not doing much of anything, I would be gorging myself silly on probably the most unhealthy foods imaginable. And this is no exaggeration. Every single day was a repeat of the previous one. Sit in front of the television and numb myself with the unhealthiest of unhealthy foods.
Since beginning the 12wbt I have been struggling with these on a daily basis. This is what the “falling off the wagon” reference was about on the list above. I would return to these old eating habits. Regularly. In an attempt to numb the emotions that were bubbling to the surface. I had this crazy belief that my emotions were unimportant, insignificant, and that I was not allowed to express them. Half a lifetime of insidious, emotional abuse will do that to you. I know that sounds harsh, but that is what it was. Emotional abuse. It pains me now (and once again I am getting emotional about it) to even vocalise those two words. For the longest time I have denied it. Believed that I was somehow at fault, that I was unimportant and unworthy of being loved. And it is only now, right now, as I type these words, that I can acknowledge it. It breaks my heart to even think that *I* could have grown up in a household that had abuse in it. I have always thought – always – that my childhood was normal. It breaks my heart. Truly it does. I have tears streaming down my face as I type. It breaks my heart to think that my siblings will read this and be hurt by my words. But it’s true. It saddens me to even consider that it is true, but it is. I was raised with emotional abuse in my life.
I feel like I am try to justify it by saying that things were not always abusive. As a family we had a lot of good times, fun times, happy times. As an individual I had those things. But one does not get to well over 200kg without there being issues. Enough said on this for a bit.
Before all this started pouring out of my fingers I was about to discuss to of my biggest accomplishments. As I mentioned, my life used to consist (outside of work/uni) almost entirely of sitting in front of the TV numbing myself with food. Attempting to break that cycle of self abuse has been THE most challenging aspect of my ENTIRE journey! For almost 3 rounds I have repeatedly fallen over and returned to old habits, turning back to chocolate, potato chips, and a whole host of other fatty, unhealthy foods. At times it has taken me a while to pick myself up and get back on track. A lot of times. Over and over again. And every time it happens, picking myself up becomes a little quicker and a little easier. Because I now *get* that I am worthy of being cared for. Of being loved. Of loving myself.
So, my accomplishment is this. For an entire month now, I have had barely a mouthful of any food that would even be remotely considered junk! And not one crumb within the last 2 weeks. I have not gorged myself, I have not binged. I have eaten only healthy food. Once again I find myself getting emotional as I type, as I consider how HUGE an achievement this is for me! Probably THE biggest thing I have accomplished.
So, after almost 1500 words, I feel like I have finished my “ramblings”, at least for the moment. I usually reread my posts before publishing to correct any spelling/grammar errors (I’m a little pedantic about that lol), but today I’m not going to. So if you find anything like that, please overlook it for me 🙂
P.S. I wrote the title before I started typing the post and considered changing it with the change of direction, and have decided to leave it as it is. Despite the heaviness of some of this post, it has been somewhat cleansing for me and for the first time in a long time, I feel somehow freer.