Radical Trust …

An interesting concept.

I’ve had an interesting few weeks with a lot happening. In previous posts recently I have talked a lot about how the numbers have been messing with my head. Or more accurately, I have allowed them inside and to create a bit of a mess in there. I know that the numbers on the scales are only a very small representation of the journey. All they do is report on how much mass we have in any given moment. Measurements are exactly the same. A very small part of the journey. Neither define who we are or what we are worth.

I support many people, particularly in the 30+ crew, to let go of the need to be attached to the numbers and to focus on other, more important things. Tangible things such as fitness improvements, the feeling of looser clothing, increased energy, the feeling of greater wellbeing, the ability to keep up with others, new friendships, the pride that comes with achieving milestones outside your comfort zone. The list is endless.

I  help these people release their attachment to the numbers, and yet *I* remain attached. At least partially. From the beginning of my 12wbt journey I have been a daily (and sometimes twice daily) weigher. I don’t think I was conscious of why I did this at the beginning, it was more the novelty of having brand new scales that I “could” use (i.e., that went up high enough to hold me). The excitement was watching the numbers decrease and I allowed it to become a habit. That said, I learned a lot about how my body works. How it reacts to different things (such as sodium), how all this increased fluid retention impacts on it, when it retains fluid (time of day, week and month) and so on. That awareness has helped me to change some of my habits. Unfortunately, I became attached to the numbers. Maybe, just maybe, given what I have learned from it, this attachment hasn’t been such a bad thing. But now they are preventing me from getting to the place I want to be. I developed the NEED to have the numbers moving in a downward fashion.

And when they didn’t, I became even more invested in seeing them move. Over the 3 rounds of the 12WBT that I have completed, I have donated a total of 31 kg. And it certainly hasn’t been plain sailing. The numbers have fluctuated quite substantially, often for weeks at a time! I have felt devastated, frustrated, like a failure, as if I couldn’t do it, that I didn’t deserve to get healthy. That 31kg just wasn’t “enough”.

And yet at the same time, I know that I AM worth it. I am enough, just as I am. It’s taken me a long time to really get that, and I can say that it feels amazing to understand it at the level I now do! Which is why this headspace mess has been so frustrating.

I have made some really BIG changes in my life over the last 9 months. Since January I have not consumed a drop of soft drink or flavoured milk. I have fallen over many times and returned to old nutrition and sedentary habits. And each time I have picked myself up. I am finding that the pick up happens much more quickly than it used to and the times between “falls” are becoming much longer. I have achieved things that I never thought possible. I’ve trained with Shannan Ponton, Michelle Bridges and Emazon. I’ve done personal training. I’ve pushed way outside my comfort zone and attended group workouts with other 12 weekers. My milestones in round 3 have pushed me past anything I’ve ever done before and yesterday I walked 5km (an incredibly HUGE endurance event for me)! Each of these events have helped me to realise how much I am really capable of. I now know that I can do anything that I want to do. ANYTHING!

And every time I do something outside my comfort zone, I realise more and more that that I CAN trust myself and know that I can achieve what I used to think of as impossible.

So what am I going to do about these scales? Every time I get on them (or do the measurements, which aren’t moving either), I send myself back into the clusters of blue noise that have been holding me back for such a long time. For weeks and even months now I have been allowing myself to get down about the numbers. While I have been so focused on them I have been allowing myself to fall into old habits with my training. The last 3 weeks or so I haven’t trained outside of my PT sessions. My nutrition has however been spot on, which is a big achievement for me, and something that I am proud of.

Interestingly, other parts of my life are going really well and things are falling into place with seemingly little or no effort. Professionally I have some amazing things happening. I have helped several clients to empower themselves and make some incredibly powerful changes. I have applied for and gained entry into a Masters of Applied Psychology Program. I have had several people express their gratitude for my assistance and support during tough times. I have acknowledged a lot of positive things in my life. And yet those numbers always keep bringing me back to old ways of thinking. My brain returns to old habits.

In the work I have done with both my psych and Emazon, I have learned a lot about releasing some of the things that I have been holding onto for a long time. Acknowledging that the thoughts I have are simply thoughts, that they aren’t necessarily reality, and that they can be somewhat of a separate entity. They don’t have to rule my life and prevent me from believing and trusting in myself. I don’t have to allow those thoughts to prevent me from being happy, and I get to choose where they sit in my mind. Or more accurately, where *I* sit in relation to *them*.

So, I have discovered that every time I step on those scales and hear (yes, my scales speak to me) the number, it triggers a cluster of thoughts that send my brain back into old ways of behaving and thinking. And I don’t allow myself the opportunity to move forward into new ways of thinking and being. Since I have been on this program I have achieved some great things. Not just health wise, but in most areas of my life. I have learned a lot about myself, I have learned that I deserve to love and care for myself. And there is no way that I will go back to where I used to be. I am determined to continue this journey. I deserve to continue this journey. I am worthy of continuing this journey!

It is for this reason that I have put my scales in the cupboard and will bring them (and the tape measure) out only on the milestone weeks for this round of the 12wbt. Weeks 4, 8 and 12. I need to give my brain enough time to break the habits and clusters that are triggered when I continuously step on them.

Instead, I will concentrate on trusting myself. My authentic self always knows what she needs. And right now she needs to know that she can trust herself to get healthy, without the confirmation from the numbers. Because she knows. she always knows 🙂

This round of the 12wbt for me will be about trust. Pushing myself outside of my comfort zone with a variety of things to learn more about what my authentic self is able to do. Focusing on mindfulness, breathing and consistent actions that will take me closer to really knowing and understanding my authentic self. Cooking healthy meals regularly and training 5-6 times per week.

Taking that leap of faith that my authentic self WILL take care of me in the way that only she knows and that I need.

Radical trust!

 

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