Gratitude on a very special day

Over the last few weeks I have been feeling quite unloved, lonely and sorry for myself, and several of my old thinking patterns about my lack of worth were resurfacing, which accompanied old eating and exercising habits as well.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Yesterday when I arrived home from a day out I found 4 pieces of mail from various members of this crew. Each of the ladies who sent me something, without knowing my recent state of mind, included some very lovely words of support and love, and 3 of them have almost completely outfitted me for the Brisbane finale (minus shoes)! Pendant, bracelets, earrings AND dress!

On it’s own, receiving this mail and the subsequent messages when thanking the recipients lifted me up in indescribable ways! I felt very blessesd and overwhelmed by the love and support I was receiving!!

The other day I was invited to brunch (today) by another 12wbter. When I arrived I discovered her and another 3 ladies waiting for me, shouting a very loud Happy Birthday, complete with party poppers! 2 more people arrived after that. I was presented with a further gift, my first experience with green tea. I enjoyed an amazing morning full of laughter and fun with these women and was inundated with text messages of birthday wishes, love and support from the people who couldn’t make it, whether due to geography or other circumstances. Thanks to one of the girls being extremely trigger happy with a camera/ipad/iphone there were plenty of photos and videos taken. I also received a very special “cake”, complete with candle! Note the pendant in this photo. One of the gifts that arrived in the mail yesterday. A purple heart (stained glass style) with a metal angel attached.

apple cake

My cake and candle!!

All but 2 of the ladies that came created a “tour bus” and made the 2 hour trek up the mountain from Brisbane to Toowoomba.

The Tour Bus

The Tour Bus

I have been told that there was a “secret squirrels business” facebook group created especially to organise this event so that I would not find out, and that significant numbers of this very special crew were involved (I’m not sure of the exact numbers) in creating this special day for me.

I have been lifted up in ways that I cannot describe with mere words. I feel loved and worthy, and my heart is full of gratitude for the support and love that I have received from this crew.

These incredible people belong to the 30+ crew and the Toowoomba crew! Thank you for being you!!

For some reason people seem to think I need to be the centre of attention on my birthday!

For some reason people seem to think I need to be the centre of attention on my birthday!

Love and hugs,

Ali Xxx

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Authentic Self V. Blue Noise

A lot of people know that I have done some work with a wonderful trainer named Emazon over the last several months. She has helped me to recall a lot about who I truly am. My authentic, inner self has come out to play a little since I have worked with her. The experience has helped me to transform the way I think. More information on Emazon’s work can be found on her website, at http://www.emazon.tv/
I have experienced several breakthroughs in the last few weeks that I have blogged about in recent posts. I have had issues with allowing the numbers (scales and measurements) to impact the way I feel about my journey. I have realised that I was raised with abuse in my family, and that some of the things said to me as a teen are still impacting the way I feel about myself now. The issues with the numbers have been ongoing for several months now, but the others have been occurred only in the last few weeks, and while some have hit me harder than others, I have been finding it challenging to come to terms with them.
Emazon teaches people how to block out what she calls blue noise. All the things that other people put on us. The conditioning, the expectations, all the things that mask our true selves and move us further away from living as we are meant to. A few days ago she posted on her facebook wall:
I am going to keep saying it over and over and over again like a beating drum so it reaches the core of you. ‘Do not buy into the drama’. If it/they can seduce you to buy into drama, It/they can penetrate your bubble. If It/they can penetrate your bubble, it/they can vampire your power. Do not buy into the drama. – Emazon
Reading these words have struck a chord with me. I have realised that the things that penetrate the bubble aren’t necessarily just from external sources. Other people, events and so on. They can also be from internal sources.
And I have been allowing my internal voices to penetrate. I have allowed the numbers to rule my being for too long. I have allowed the actions of others from my childhood to influence my worth for too long. I deserve complete unconditional acceptance and love. And I intend to give that to myself.

Gratitude

There has been a lot of talk on facebook in the last several hours or so about the tragedy that occurred in Connecticut with a school shooting that has left 27 people (20 of them children) dead. Heartbreaking stuff.

Following this, many of the ladies in the 30+ crew have begun gratitude projects. Leading the charge on this is a good friend of mine, Cathy. An amazing idea from an amazing lady. The idea is that you not only FEEL gratitude in your life, but also SHARE it with random people. TELL people that you are grateful for them and the things they do (and ARE). And not just the people who you love most. Include random people like the check out chick in the supermarket or someone you pass in the street. Fantastic stuff is happening from this one idea from just one person. I LOVE it!

So, why am I mentioning this now?

Because I want to express my gratitude to someone in a permanent way. By writing it here it will be in print for a LONG time. I belong to a group on facebook that is essentially an oasis. A space where people can go to chill out and just BE. They can take some time out of their busy (and often chaotic) lives and be in a space that is about love, support and peace. To quiet the mind. To regain balance.

I shared a link to my blog in that group earlier today so that people, if they chose, could share my thoughts and journey with my most recent posts about the lightbulbs I have experienced on different topics. One lady, who I won’t name in case she doesn’t wish to be, responded with a post of her own, directed to me. She shared this photo:

Image

And she attached this description to explain why she was sharing the photo:

This is for you. I saw it somewhere recently (possibly in here), and it spoke to me. After reading your last 6 blog posts, I wanted to reach out and tell you that you are AWESOME! You rightly acknowledge that you are a worthwhile and deserving person, and as someone who struggles daily to believe that about myself, I understand the enormity of that breakthrough for you. Thank you for sharing your struggles and break throughs, you are so much more than enough, you are AWESOME! xoxo

All I can say is this: WOW!! I am incredibly humbled, honoured and emotional all at once by this lady reaching out to me in this way. Right now my heart and soul are full to the brim with gratitude that I have been lucky enough to be blessed with the community of women (and men) I have in my life. I would like to send a HUGE thank you to this amazing woman who has just reached out to me.
THANK YOU!!
Quote

“Those who have not found their true wealth, which is the radiant joy of Being and the deep, unshakable peace that comes with it, are beggars, even if they have great material wealth. They are looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love, while they have a treasure within that not only includes all those things but is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.” Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

At the suggestion of someone I know, I bought a copy of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle on my ipad.

Two pages in, this paragraph jumped out at me. Thought I would share it with the world 🙂

My introduction to Eckhart Tolle

The things well meaning parents say

Well, this is my second post in 2 days. I’m impressed! Hope you all are too 😉

I had an appointment with my kiniesiologist this evening. She discovered an emotional block connected to trust and asked me “what are the trust issues you have?” After a little more muscle testing she said to me, “what happened when you were 16”? I went through that in my head. That was the year I started grade 11. And then I had a light bulb.

At around that age my mum pulled me aside with the intention of motivating me to do something about my weight. I don’t remember everything that she said. I’m sure she cushioned things as best she could, but some things just stand out in our lives, and this was one of those times. I remember exactly where we were standing in the house (just inside the front door, in the hallway in the doorway to our loungeroom). For me it was one of the biggest defining moments for who I was as a person.

Two comments stand out. I am paraphrasing here. Comment 1: “No employer will want to hire you because they will be afraid that you will have a heart attack on the job or something”. Comment 2: “No man will ever want to be with you because they aren’t attracted to big women.

For a long time these comments were reality. I avoided jobs for many years. I did some casual part time work after I finished my first degree and didn’t get anything that remotely looked like “proper” work until almost 10 years later, after my second degree (education). I have since proven that comment to be completely innacurate and without any kind of substance. Which of course means that it rarely impacts on my life now.

My kiniesiologist asked me which comment effected me the most. My response was the second. She said she could tell just by the tone of my voice (go figure!!). I need to do more work on this.

So, what is it about comment 2 that has me so affected? As always, it comes back to self love.

To this day I have never had a proper boyfriend. I’ve never been in a proper relationship. I never broadcast this to people. I usually just go about my daily business and push these feelings aside. Never to be acknowledged. Relatively early on in my journey with seeing my psychologist we briefly discussed relationships. About how I felt about them, some of my history (pretty much non existent) with them. Then we got busy with other aspects of why I was seeing her and the relationship stuff has not been raised since then. I think I need to change that.

For a long time I have craved a relationship. One in which I can be truly and completely, unconditionally accepted and loved for who I am. Where looks have no impact whatsoever and it is a true and equal partnership. Like in this photo.

best place in world love

The handful of guys who have approached me have revealed themselves to be NOT the right one for me. Just to give you an idea of the calibre of these men, the most recent one stated that he was attracted to large women and that he found my body hot. Sounds good, right? No. When I told him that I was doing the 12wbt he said that he didn’t want me to change my body. I told him WHY I was doing it. What I wanted to achieve. This was when I first joined the program in January. Since then I have heard from him once. At that time I told him a little about what I had achieved, he congratulated me and I literally haven’t heard from him since. Clearly a winner (note the heavy sarcasm there).

I don’t trust myself. I have always avoided men in general. It’s not until relatively recently that I have even felt comfortable talking to them! And on the occasions I do, my thought processes usually go along the lines of “he won’t like me, I don’t have anything to offer, I’m not interesting at all”. For a long time I shut things down before anything could happen! My first experience was when I was 18. I was at the swimming pool with a friend to do an aqua class. A guy approached me in the pool and asked me to go out with him. Without even thinking, I turned him down and stated that my parents wouldn’t let me go out. I was 18!!! Legally an adult. I didn’t even have to ASK them! And yet I used that excuse without even thinking.

The bottom line is, I have always been afraid. Afraid that if I allow someone in, they will get to know me and will find out that I am not worth knowing to begin with. And then I will be completely vulnerable and open to hurt. So to stop that happening I have eaten everything in sight. After all, if I am fat, they won’t want to come near me, cause no man could ever be attracted to THAT!

This is what I need to remember … 

I am enough

 

Just as I am 🙂

 

 

More numbers stuff

I have been talking a lot about the numbers in recent posts. In “Radical Trust” I made the decision that I would bring the scales out only every 4 weeks. Today marks the first of these this round. I am 1.6kg lighter today than I was 4 weeks ago.

My initial reaction was disappointment. The past month I have been hoping/visualising that because of all the work I’ve been doing to get my health sorted the scales would show the difference. I think I have had this expectation that the kiniesiology and accupuncture would make things drop almost overnight. My thoughts about the numbers in the last 4 weeks have been somewhat sporadic. One day I would think that 8kg difference would be awesome, the next I’d think 6 would be great! Then it would be 3, then back to 8, then 5. Back and forth, the entire 4 weeks. And I have been counting down the weigh in’s. In week 1 it was “3 weeks to go”, in week 2 it was “half way there”. I almost forgot to count week 3! Didn’t realise it was weigh in day until I checked in with the 30+ crew FB page. And the last several days I have been counting down the days. So when I actually stepped on the scales this morning it was an anti climax. “Only” 1.6kg in 4 weeks. Things should have been different, right? Clearly I am still attached to the numbers.

So, I need to focus on every other achievements I have made in the last 6 months to get me away from the numbers. Sooo many other things to be proud of. My training. My milestones. I walked 5 km ffs! Half of which was up hill!! I have changed the way I think. I can now recognise an excuse from 100 paces! I FEEL differently about myself. I speak to myself with more respect and love. I now know that I have value. My career achievements have taken a huge leap forward. I EMPOWER people (or more accurately, I help them to empower themselves)! I now make choices. I have power. I have talent! I am WORTHY! I am ENOUGH!! I have successfully made nutrition choices that move me closer to the life I deserve. These choices are becoming more conscious and feel more natural. I haven’t consumed chocolate in 2 months. And surprisingly, I am not craving it.

All HUGE achievements! All worth celebrating.

Time for me to meditate and centre myself, then get some sleep. I have a LIFE to LIVE in the morning! 🙂

An emotionally intense week

Hi everyone! Hope this post finds you all well 🙂

The last post I wrote was 6 days ago. Last Wednesday evening, to be exact. Since then I have had a pretty full on week!! Thursday I was very busy with preparations for a work function that I was co facilitating. Friday – Sunday I attended this retreat, and since then my body has kind of shut down. Within 5-10 minutes of arriving home late Sunday afternoon my throat was sore. Since then it has developed into a full blown flu! I think I am coming out of it now, which is good.

The program that we ran is one that I have done many times in the last 2-3 years. Every time I get people who have some pretty emotional breakthroughs. This past weekend surpassed EVERY breakthrough that we have ever had before. The program is designed to bring up all kinds of emotional stuff, and boy did we get that this past weekend. From every single person in the room. With temperatures in the mid 30’s (celcius) and a barely functioning air conditioner, we dealt with intense grief and loss, major realisations of domestic violence and abuse, and a whole heap of releasing of emotions. It was an extremely intense 3 days, and I am certainly not surprised that my body has reacted the way it has. In taking care of our participants, we (myself and my co facilitator) expended a LOT of emotional energy, without the chance to replenish it due to the long hours involved. This past weekend has without doubt been THE most powerful I have ever been privileged to attend. And despite the intensity and the outcomes for my body, I am honoured to have been involved. To have been able to support and empower these incredibly brave people through their journeys. To have earned their trust in my ability as a clinician. I have been affirmed in my choice of career. To bear witness to these kinds of transformations IS why I do what I do.

So, with the intensity of the last several days I haven’t really had a chance to reflect on my own realisation from last week. Since I have been home the last 2 days with this flu my mind has had a short chance to rest up. In case you missed my post last Wednesday, it hit me hard when I realised that I was raised with emotional abuse in my life. I had always known that I had a lot of put downs, a lot of times when words used left me feeling inadequate and unworthy. But I had never before acknowledged it and labelled it as emotional abuse. It truly saddens me that as a child I had to experience that. On the night I wrote the post I felt heartbroken. Today I feel a little more accepting of the whole thing. I think the issue was that I had this idea that my childhood, while not completely perfect, was at least without much of the dysfunction that a lot of people experience. It was abuse free. It was mostly happy. How wrong was I?!?! 

And I think that this is the issue for me. I had this picture in my head of how “normal” my childhood was. Middle class Australia, neither rich nor poor, pretty normal all around. To figure out that this was a part of it is pretty difficult to comprehend.

Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of happy moments. But you don’t get to be the size I have been without there being issues. As much as it pains me to admit, I grew up being abused emotionally. I feel like I have to defend my family. To somehow justify why the abuse occurred. But, is there anything that I CAN say? Probably not. 

I think that the best thing I can do right now is to allow things to sit with me for a while. To get on with transforming my life, affirming my value as a human being, and to allow myself to move forward and continue to create the life I deserve.

🙂