Hi everyone! Hope this post finds you all well 🙂
The last post I wrote was 6 days ago. Last Wednesday evening, to be exact. Since then I have had a pretty full on week!! Thursday I was very busy with preparations for a work function that I was co facilitating. Friday – Sunday I attended this retreat, and since then my body has kind of shut down. Within 5-10 minutes of arriving home late Sunday afternoon my throat was sore. Since then it has developed into a full blown flu! I think I am coming out of it now, which is good.
The program that we ran is one that I have done many times in the last 2-3 years. Every time I get people who have some pretty emotional breakthroughs. This past weekend surpassed EVERY breakthrough that we have ever had before. The program is designed to bring up all kinds of emotional stuff, and boy did we get that this past weekend. From every single person in the room. With temperatures in the mid 30’s (celcius) and a barely functioning air conditioner, we dealt with intense grief and loss, major realisations of domestic violence and abuse, and a whole heap of releasing of emotions. It was an extremely intense 3 days, and I am certainly not surprised that my body has reacted the way it has. In taking care of our participants, we (myself and my co facilitator) expended a LOT of emotional energy, without the chance to replenish it due to the long hours involved. This past weekend has without doubt been THE most powerful I have ever been privileged to attend. And despite the intensity and the outcomes for my body, I am honoured to have been involved. To have been able to support and empower these incredibly brave people through their journeys. To have earned their trust in my ability as a clinician. I have been affirmed in my choice of career. To bear witness to these kinds of transformations IS why I do what I do.
So, with the intensity of the last several days I haven’t really had a chance to reflect on my own realisation from last week. Since I have been home the last 2 days with this flu my mind has had a short chance to rest up. In case you missed my post last Wednesday, it hit me hard when I realised that I was raised with emotional abuse in my life. I had always known that I had a lot of put downs, a lot of times when words used left me feeling inadequate and unworthy. But I had never before acknowledged it and labelled it as emotional abuse. It truly saddens me that as a child I had to experience that. On the night I wrote the post I felt heartbroken. Today I feel a little more accepting of the whole thing. I think the issue was that I had this idea that my childhood, while not completely perfect, was at least without much of the dysfunction that a lot of people experience. It was abuse free. It was mostly happy. How wrong was I?!?!
And I think that this is the issue for me. I had this picture in my head of how “normal” my childhood was. Middle class Australia, neither rich nor poor, pretty normal all around. To figure out that this was a part of it is pretty difficult to comprehend.
Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of happy moments. But you don’t get to be the size I have been without there being issues. As much as it pains me to admit, I grew up being abused emotionally. I feel like I have to defend my family. To somehow justify why the abuse occurred. But, is there anything that I CAN say? Probably not.
I think that the best thing I can do right now is to allow things to sit with me for a while. To get on with transforming my life, affirming my value as a human being, and to allow myself to move forward and continue to create the life I deserve.