Well, this is my second post in 2 days. I’m impressed! Hope you all are too 😉
I had an appointment with my kiniesiologist this evening. She discovered an emotional block connected to trust and asked me “what are the trust issues you have?” After a little more muscle testing she said to me, “what happened when you were 16”? I went through that in my head. That was the year I started grade 11. And then I had a light bulb.
At around that age my mum pulled me aside with the intention of motivating me to do something about my weight. I don’t remember everything that she said. I’m sure she cushioned things as best she could, but some things just stand out in our lives, and this was one of those times. I remember exactly where we were standing in the house (just inside the front door, in the hallway in the doorway to our loungeroom). For me it was one of the biggest defining moments for who I was as a person.
Two comments stand out. I am paraphrasing here. Comment 1: “No employer will want to hire you because they will be afraid that you will have a heart attack on the job or something”. Comment 2: “No man will ever want to be with you because they aren’t attracted to big women.
For a long time these comments were reality. I avoided jobs for many years. I did some casual part time work after I finished my first degree and didn’t get anything that remotely looked like “proper” work until almost 10 years later, after my second degree (education). I have since proven that comment to be completely innacurate and without any kind of substance. Which of course means that it rarely impacts on my life now.
My kiniesiologist asked me which comment effected me the most. My response was the second. She said she could tell just by the tone of my voice (go figure!!). I need to do more work on this.
So, what is it about comment 2 that has me so affected? As always, it comes back to self love.
To this day I have never had a proper boyfriend. I’ve never been in a proper relationship. I never broadcast this to people. I usually just go about my daily business and push these feelings aside. Never to be acknowledged. Relatively early on in my journey with seeing my psychologist we briefly discussed relationships. About how I felt about them, some of my history (pretty much non existent) with them. Then we got busy with other aspects of why I was seeing her and the relationship stuff has not been raised since then. I think I need to change that.
For a long time I have craved a relationship. One in which I can be truly and completely, unconditionally accepted and loved for who I am. Where looks have no impact whatsoever and it is a true and equal partnership. Like in this photo.
The handful of guys who have approached me have revealed themselves to be NOT the right one for me. Just to give you an idea of the calibre of these men, the most recent one stated that he was attracted to large women and that he found my body hot. Sounds good, right? No. When I told him that I was doing the 12wbt he said that he didn’t want me to change my body. I told him WHY I was doing it. What I wanted to achieve. This was when I first joined the program in January. Since then I have heard from him once. At that time I told him a little about what I had achieved, he congratulated me and I literally haven’t heard from him since. Clearly a winner (note the heavy sarcasm there).
I don’t trust myself. I have always avoided men in general. It’s not until relatively recently that I have even felt comfortable talking to them! And on the occasions I do, my thought processes usually go along the lines of “he won’t like me, I don’t have anything to offer, I’m not interesting at all”. For a long time I shut things down before anything could happen! My first experience was when I was 18. I was at the swimming pool with a friend to do an aqua class. A guy approached me in the pool and asked me to go out with him. Without even thinking, I turned him down and stated that my parents wouldn’t let me go out. I was 18!!! Legally an adult. I didn’t even have to ASK them! And yet I used that excuse without even thinking.
The bottom line is, I have always been afraid. Afraid that if I allow someone in, they will get to know me and will find out that I am not worth knowing to begin with. And then I will be completely vulnerable and open to hurt. So to stop that happening I have eaten everything in sight. After all, if I am fat, they won’t want to come near me, cause no man could ever be attracted to THAT!
This is what I need to remember …
Just as I am 🙂