Ok, so since a couple of weeks before Christmas I have been completely off track with both my nutrition and training.
My trainer went on holiday for 2 weeks and asked me to promise that I would train at least 3 times a week on my own while she was gone. I agreed. And have not followed through. Which is completely my fault and not hers. My behaviours are my responsibility and I take ownership of them. I feel disappointed in myself.
The few days after she left I was doing final preparations for the retreat I ran at the beginning of December. I have briefly described what happened there in a previous post so won’t repeat that here. I came away from that weekend with the flu and some very concerning headspins, which took a bit more than a week to recover from (which was a journey in itself!). I think I got a little lazy that week. I didn’t train the following week, and the week after that I went away on a 5 day work event (kids camp), where I didn’t have control over the food that was served. The venue was on the side of a hill, so from necessity I got some hill climbs in! This was a week where we had temperatures way above the average, so it was extremely hot. And since my body does not cope well in the heat, the hill climbs were tough. And limited.
Nutritionally, the choices were actually pretty good. The main meal was in the middle of the day with a lighter meal in the evening. Lots of vegies and salad, with some kind of protein and carbs. With desert offered at both lunch and dinner. More than anything, it was the quantity that impacted. The servings they gave us were huge. And going back for seconds were the norm. I never did that, and in fact never got through what was served on the first plate. I think I got used to the quantities. I watched what some of the kids were putting away and I was simply gobsmacked! I think too that I got a taste for the sugar again with some of the deserts we were served. Icecream, custards, cakes, biscuits. I didn’t eat it every meal, but I chose some of them.
I got home from this week away extremely exhausted and went straight into our work Christmas breakup dinner. Chinese food. And it hasn’t stopped since. I went completely back to old ways of eating. Bought some really unhealthy food, including chocolate and chips. I haven’t cooked, even though I have healthy food in the kitchen. And I have felt tired, lazy and lethargic because of it.
My head has been all over the place. I stopped caring for a while I think. I began feeling really lonely leading up to Christmas, thinking that I would be on my own, which is what happened for most of last year’s holiday period. My birthday is 5 days after Christmas and I spent the last one alone most of the day (apart from several phone calls in the morning and a short lunch). I was told by a family members that they would come spend some time with me in the evening, and they changed their minds at the last minute. I felt very alone and unloved. Especially since it was family. So the prospect of spending this most recent Christmas, New Years and birthday alone sent me back to those feelings. And I used old habits to deal with (numb) it.
Add to that, I haven’t been doing the training that would help clear my head, and all the stuff that has recently come up for me (that I have previously posted about – growing up with abuse, relationships, grief etc) is still running around in there not completely resolved.
So, there is so much I want and need to deal with that I am sitting here at a loss for what to type! Go figure! I want and need to address the incredible things that happened to me for my birthday, thanks to the amazing women in the 30+ and Toowoomba crews. I think I need to do that in a different post though because it deserves to be singled out. It has impacted on me in a major way 🙂 I will give it some thought and will come back to continue 🙂
I have spent the last 24 hours or so thinking about all this. I want and need to get back into the headspace I had when I came back from Melbourne in May 2012. I was focused and my training over the next 12 weeks was awesome. I did some amazing stuff! And I felt really good about myself because of it. I feel like I need to go back to that place in my head. I feel like I am in a different place though. A combination of the work I have done with Emazon, the 12wbt mindset videos, the support from my amazing support crew (30+ crew, Toowoomba crew, friends and family) and the accomplishments I have made, have all led me to feel very differently about myself. I have said before that I now know that I deserve to be loved and cared for.
That feeling is now different. The things people have done for me this birthday have ensured that. I will give more detail about that in my next post, but suffice to say that I feel like I have been slapped in the face with it and have had a real wake up call about exactly what and how people feel about me. It has sent my head into a tailspin in a big way, and I need to sort through it all. 🙂