Aside

It is the unknown that defines our existence

We explore. We seek. We discover.

I am watching an episode of Star Trek – Deep Space Nine. (Yup, I’m a bit of a trekky 🙂 ). This particular episode is exploring the concept of time and the way humans live. To exist in a linear fashion, using our past experiences to influence the present and our future. Here are a few quotes from a couple of characters that have resonated with me. They were talking about death and moving on afterward.

You exist here (the past, the day his wife died).

We cannot give you what you deny yourself. Look for solutions from within.

I have never figured out how to live without her (wife).

I do this. I live in my past. The past of shame, fear, guilt. These feelings have been with me for so long that I don’t know how to live without them. I don’t know how to live a life of joy and fulfillment. I’ve never had it before. Ever.

As this 12wbt journey has unfolded in the past 12 months I have done all kinds of things that lead me to that life. I start getting closer to it and the fear kicks in because I have no idea what that life will be like. I want that life. And yet, as the character in DS9 says, “we cannot give you what you deny yourself”. I’ve been denying myself exactly what I want because that fear is so strong.

Several people have been telling me that I need to let the fear go. To release it. I’ve been arguing with them that I don’t know HOW to let it go. And they tell me I don’t have to know. That if I take the ACTION first, the belief will follow. I know that’s true. And yet I haven’t been able to do it. So I have to wonder, do I really want it? I refuse to believe that I don’t.

So, I have a very simple choice. Do it. Don’t do it.

I’m gonna do it.

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Deep Space Nine

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