I feel … strange.
I’m not sure how to describe it. The last few weeks I’ve been struggling a lot. With everyday actions regarding my nutrition and training, as well as my emotions.
A couple of weeks ago I did a post that ended with the thought that I felt like I needed some things to change in my life. I have been allowing my body to reset and adjust to all the new things I had been asking of it for a full 12 weeks. I have been attending kinesiology and acupuncture appointments to help my body rebalance. These have been beneficial to my physical body and have pinpointed a lot of emotions that I have been holding onto for a very long time. Years long. Years AND years. And the emotions have sent my head into turmoil. There has been so much emotion.
12 weeks. Acupuncture. Kinesiology. Psychology. Emotion. Turmoil. Chaos.
A lot for one itty bitty brain (no comments from the peanut gallery on the size of my brain please!!) to manage. To process and make sense of.
Fear. A LOT of fear. Paralysing fear. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of my potential. Fear of not being able to live a life of love, joy and fulfillment. Fear of allowing myself to be open and vulnerable to people and having them discover that I am not worth knowing.
I allow the fear to paralyse me. I allow it to lead my actions back to old coping mechanisms. Old nutritional habits. Food that will keep me away from that elusive “life of joy”.
Every time I think about it I recognise objectively that the thoughts I am experiencing are not who I am. They do not define me. They are simply words. And they are completely separate from me. And yet I allow myself to be hooked by them on a daily basis. Over and over again. And by doing that I move myself further away from the life I am aiming for. A circular motion that has me essentially treading water.
So, my brain has been really struggling with this. I feel like I need to take a serious leap of faith to get through this block. To literally do something so out there, that it takes a humongous effort for me to pull it off. An effort that will require every single courageous bone in my body, and every single protective instinct I possess. Every time I think of it my brain has a silent panic attack. A serious panic attack. And yet there is also somewhat of a sense of calmness, of right-ness about it too. It’s a strange feeling.