Boom Boom Boom!

I have been having a few difficulties recently dealing with all the “stuff” in my life. I have been doing my masters degree now for almost one semester and have to travel 2 hours each way to get there. This semester that trip is a weekly one, and my days starts before 5 am and ends when I get home at 9:30 pm. The campus I attend is HUGE! It’s large enough that it has its own post code! And as someone who is used to the smaller regional university where everything is within easy reach, even the idea of being on a campus that size is daunting. Until recently I have been thinking that I was coping well. For days a week at work, where sessions can be pretty emotionally intense, one huge day at uni, and weekends free.

I finally figured out that I haven’t been coping as well as I thought I was. I haven’t been taking care of myself. And I mean the basic self care that I have been working on for more than a year. My nutrition has been seriously crappy and training non existent. And I’ve justified it in my head by saying “I’ll just get these assessments done and then get back into it”, or “I’ll focus on a big cook-up during the semester break”. And in the meantime I’m falling to pieces, but numbing it all by eating shit. Old habits much!

I’ve stayed away from posting in here because I needed to get through assessments and focus on them instead of “wasting time” on my blog. It’s funny how we justify this stuff in our heads, cause I KNOW that blogging helps me to process a lot of head stuff. And with everything that has been going on, including all the stuff I went through at the convention, there has been a lot for me to process. It’s shown with a lack of ability to focus on the assessments, which I have been using as justification to not process what is in my head. Again with the old habits!

So, I have been feeling like the universe has been conspiring “against” me with all of the concrete obstacles I have been facing. Others have said the conspiracy has been in my favour and I have been holding onto that almost like a lifeline. Like I have been waiting for the message to become clear so I can say, “Right, THAT is what this is about”

I think I started to get that light glowing in the last week or so. My assessments are starting to come together and after some discussions with a friend and a couple of people at the uni, I have decided that all I need to do is to get out of my own way! My brain kicks into gear and goes nuts, and I end up feeling inadequate, lonely, anxious, lost and a whole lot of other things.

A little while ago I came across a Katy Perry song that I have listened to over and over and have not really heard it before. I mean really HEARD it. At the time a couple of lines stood out to me. Today I had it playing over and over on my ipad. I googled the lyrics and sat there singing it again and again. I then let it play on a loop while I had a shower and got ready for my day (of doing assessments). A good portion of this song speaks to me …

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep six feet under?
Scream but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
‘Cause there’s a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

You don’t have to feel like a wasted space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it’s time you’ll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through-ough-ough

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw

 

I have been feeling like all the doors are closed, and all I need to do is open the one to the perfect road. When it’s time I’ll know. Ignite the light and let it shine.

It’s time to ignite!

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