You’re Dreaming

I had a nap today, which was probably the first one I’ve allowed myself in a while. I had the strangest dream. It was all a bit vague and tangled and I felt like a good portion of it was somewhat restless. I had images of being in a unit. It was just a normal day, but could have been a series of normal days. I was either watching TV or lightly dozing and hearing/seeing stuff in my peripheral vision. It was like I was part of things and at the same time distanced from it. I remember that my brother and dad were there, discussing stuff. I can’t clearly remember what they were talking about. It may have been a few things. Like what to have for dinner, which movie to go see etc. Normal, everyday, mundane kinds of stuff. There was nothing remotely abnormal about it. I have vague memories of my sister, mum and other brother hovering or flitting around in the background, but it was also like they weren’t really even there. The scene actually reminded me of when I was a teenager and young carer, when dad was ill and my brother took on the role of supporting him and making sure he had what he needed. It reminded me of a time when things were peaceful and relatively calm and routine.
 
The only thing “abnormal” about the whole thing was that my dad, brother and mum are no longer alive. It actually felt like I was back in the family home when I was a teenager, but the look of the unit itself reminded me of my brother’s home, which I lived in with him for a period of time.
Since I woke up from my nap I have been feeling a little … disconcerted. I’m not sure that is the most accurate word, but it’s the one that popped into my head so let’s go with it.
 
I have been wondering about the messages I need to get from it. What is my greater mind trying to tell me, given everything that has been happening recently. The stuff with my former foster son, they way I’ve been feeling with my health and mindset, and what came out of my PT session yesterday.
I guess it’s possible that it’s a sign that my dad and brother are around with me, supporting me, knowing that I can get through all this stuff. I just need to relax and allow it to unfold as it needs to. I need to create a routine, and relax into it as much as possible.
 
breathe and let go
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You Can Hate Yourself Fat. Or Thin. But You Cannot Hate Yourself Healthy

This post really resonates with me. I feel like my entire life has been about hating myself “fat”. In the last several years I have been working hard to love myself, particularly in the last 18 months. I have had several “hiccups” in that time, no more so than in the past several weeks. I am working on refocusing on this self love and I feel the action I have taken in the last couple of days has been a great start.
I WILL get there! 🙂

Blubbering Mess

I had a complementary PT session with a trainer at my gym this morning. His first question, after getting me on the xtrainer to warm up, was to ask me what I wanted to get out of training. So I describe to him that I want to be able to trust myself. To be able to make my training an instinctive part of my routine, to listen to my body, hear  the answer and give myself what I need. To promote my mental health just as much as the physical. In fact, to promote an overall sense of well-being. I want to be able to know when I need to hit shit, when I need to lift stuff, or when I need to go with cardio intervals, to ultimately promote my sense of self.

I then mentioned that I have had a few things happen recently and could probably do with hitting some shit, so he grabs some boxing stuff and after 11 minutes on the xtrainer we do 20 going through just a few 30 second rounds with different combos. I discovered that some of the conditioning I had gained has disappeared. I felt tired really quickly and had to stop to rest a couple of times. Not surprising really, since I haven’t done any training in 6 months. And I know I can get it back 🙂

Afterward we sat down to talk about where to go next. And in the midst of trying to explain how I find it difficult to ask (or even know) what I need, I start blubbering all over him! Well, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but I certainly had tears! While it wasn’t the most pleasant experience in the world to be blubbering all over a stranger, I think it needed to happen. I’ve been holding onto all kinds of emotions for what seems like ages and this recent stuff with my former foster son has I guess been the catalyst for me to take action on getting myself back together. 

I’m unsure whether I can sustain it financially, but I have scheduled 2 PT sessions this week with the same trainer. If nothing else, it will help me to refocus on myself and I will begin learning how to listen to myself. I’m hopeful that this is the first step.

Story of my life

On facebook I subscribe to a page called Brave Girls Club (www.bravegirlsclub.com). They have a “one minute journalling” prompt each day. I believe the idea is to write for one minute and  come up with a response. Today’s topic is “What would be the title of the story of my life today?”

Given all the stuff that has happened recently this topic kind of jumped out at me. So, today my title would be “Reclaiming my Power”.

I feel like my power has been ripped away from me, but I know that I have pretty much given it away. So today, I reclaim it and take steps to reclaim control and self respect. Appointments for a PT and kiniesiology sessions have been made, waiting on one for psychology, and I have applied for some leave from work so I can take some time to nurture myself. During that time I plan to make preparations for the coming uni semester. Meal prep, training, house clearing, brain nurturing, blogging. I need to get back to the basics of self care.

Lessons

I’m not really sure what I want to write today so I am going to see what my fingers come out with and go from there.

At the beginning of June I took in one of my former foster children and his fiancée, both of whom have now aged out of the system and are allegedly adults (18 & 19). The aim was to teach them the skills necessary to live independently, make adult decisions, take responsibility for actions, and so forth. Three weeks down the track and I am over the crap. This past weekend I was asked to rescue them when they took an action without first planning ahead, by travelling more than an hour away and then not having a way home. I refused, telling them that they needed to figure it out for themselves because that is what adults do (this is something they have done 3 times to me before and they weren’t in any kind of danger). I sourced bus timetable and costings and asked if they wanted to book it. They declined, telling me not to worry about it. Since my refusal 5 days ago I have not seen or heard from them. Yesterday I received a message from another person saying that they had been notified that they were no longer residing in my home. Who knew?

This is after I had spent 3 weeks providing emotional and practical supports, starting the process of bringing in organisations that could teach them practical skills that would put them on the road to independence and self-sufficiency. So, I am now left with a house full of their stuff that is strewn all over the place, including bikes, TV, clothes, lamp, bedding, journals, books and so on. Laundry, lounge, dining area, 2 bedrooms, bathroom all full of stuff. Not to mention the kitchen full of dirty dishes and the lino floor covered in sticky mess. And of course a fridge and cupboard full of food bought for 3 people and only 1 left to eat it. That is also not including the money for living expenses that have yet to be given to me.

So, what have I learned from this? The last time this kind of thing happened to me I decided then and there that I would never allow myself to be treated with such disrespect. EVER. I told them this before they moved in. And I told them why. I feel like I have been used, abused and violated. Clearly my authentic self needs me to hear a message. I’m not entirely sure what it is yet. I have allowed myself recently (not just because of the events I have described here) to slack off with my self-care practices.

I have stopped kiniesiology and acupuncture appointments, haven’t done any training and have been eating a heap of processed food. The Emazon convention in April sent my head into turmoil and since then I have had lots of trouble with uni assessments, which has also sent me into a spin. I have allowed excuses (I need to get assessments done, can’t spare the time to cook or go to the gym) to get in the way. Since the end of the semester I have been concentrating on work and supporting the people in my home (other than me, clearly). Now that this has happened, I need to figure out how to get myself back to where I was earlier in the year.

I’m open to suggestions, cause I am feeling confused.

Actually, I’m pretty sure I know what I need to do. I need to take ACTION. Clean my house. Get rid of all the crap. Spend some time nurturing myself. Prepare healthy foods. Get back to the gym, do some PT. Do the stuff that I know will help lift me up.

It starts right now. 🙂

And Friday morning, 6am, with a complimentary PT session at my gym.