When you feel like you’re going backward …

Well, to be honest, I’m not sure I feel like I’m heading backward, but I do feel like I am starting to come out of one of those phases. Kind of. I started the 12wbt in February last year and did 4 consecutive 12 week rounds. Since the end of the third round the scales have remained stable, despite a lot of really crappy nutrition choices. Now I could suggest that my body has needed the rest and time to adjust after shedding 30kg, and while that may be true, it’s probably more accurate to say that my brain had a bit of a meltdown. On and off it has been extremely messy in there and confusion has reigned supreme!

Dealing with university assessments, work stuff, heightened emotions from the Emazon convention in April, and having little time to sort any of it out (or more accurately, not making time), have combined to set me going backwards. At least it seems like it.

The Brave Girls Club (www.bravegirlsclub.com) has heaps of resources on their site and they shared an old blog post by one of their founders. It really resonated with me today when I read it. You can find it here. It talks about how even when you feel like you are going backwards, even if all you do is face forward to where you want to be while you’re travelling, you are still moving in that direction. Basically, keep your eye on the prize, even during the tough times.

After some recent not so pleasant events someone asked me, “when are you going to choose your life?” When it was said I was definitely not in the right frame of mind to hear it at face value. The comment was right though. I certainly haven’t been choosing to live the life I want. I have been sitting back and allowing it to be. It’s kind of like I’ve been expecting it to happen to me, rather than me going out to get it. I have a long history of that. For many years I have had people make allowances for my size. They offer to do physical stuff because I’m not able to do it. And I allow them to take over. It’s almost like I’m allowing them to live my life for me. *Light bulb moment*

As I sit here looking at the sentence I just typed I feel quite shocked. I have given away my power and decision making ability on all things personal. And when I am presented with the tools to make changes I choose not to use them, hoping that someone, or a series of someone’s, will put them into place FOR me, thereby absolving me of the responsibility.

Logically of course I’ve known for ages that I am the only one who can do this for me. And yet I’ve been waiting for other people to hand it to me so I don’t have to do the work. *sigh*

I want to say “will I ever learn?!?!” to myself. But I know that’s not going to do anything for me other than bring me down. I overthink. I analyse. Too much. My brain works overtime, especially when it comes to my own stuff. Not news to the people who know me well, I’m sure.

I have signed up to do the next round of the 12WBT. It’s time I take back my personal power. Figure out what I am capable of. I have big things destined for me. When am I going to choose my life?

Now.

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I’m awesome

I’m not sure why I’m posting this now but it feels like the right thing to do so I’m just going with it. A few weeks ago there was a move in one of the groups I belonged to, to create pictures of yourself that showed how awesome we are. At the time I didn’t do one, but after everything that has happened in the last few days, I decided to do one at the encouragement of one of my friends.

The trend was started by the awesome chicky who owns one of the blogs I subscribe to, called Unleashing my Inner Awesome. With the consent of all the owners of the pictures, she placed them all on her own blog. You can find them here, with an explanation about how the idea came about.

http://unleashingmyinnerawesome.wordpress.com/2013/07/02/im-awesome-and-so-are-you/

I did mine just a couple of days ago. I chose this specific picture on the spur of the moment, after having the idea that I would go for one taken more recently. I have had issues with self esteem since I was younger than in this picture, and I think it more accurately represents the part of me that needs and deserves unconditional love and acceptance. I figure if she can get it at age 10, then I can too.

I have deliberately focused on the emotional aspects because it is this stuff that I have allowed to hold me back.

Ali Gr 3 awesome picture

 

 

 

Bootcamps and Self-Nurturing – Compatible?

I went to bootcamp yesterday. I had the opportunity to go a few weeks ago but piked at the last minute, so this time I made sure I payed in advance and invited a friend to go with me, thereby making a commitment that I felt I had to stick with. It worked. I made it there and participated. This event was something that I had been looking at doing to help me get back into the swing of training. Something to kickstart my brain and get me to looking toward taking real care of my body.

Immediately after starting I felt inadequate. My left knee was playing up and within about 5 seconds I couldn’t keep up with the group. There is something about watching a group of 30+ people run ahead of you to mess with your self-confidence. I felt like giving up and walking away then and there. I may have even considered it had one of the trainers not come up to me, introduced herself and said that she would work with me. Internally I breathed a sigh of relief that I wouldn’t be left to flounder.

So, she modified everything for me. Imagine a very large backyard (grassed), slight slope, with the usual unevenness that is characteristic of grassed areas. There were markers placed at intervals (start, middle, end) up the length of the yard. Warm up included a series of runs to the markers with high knees or butt kicks, run back, followed by a run up the road and back. The workout itself (for me) started with run (walk) to middle marker, squat, return to start. Run to marker, squat x 2, return. Run to marker, squat x 3, return. Continue until you get to 10 squats. Then a series of run to marker, 10 squats, run back. Did this probably about 8-9 times. We had a short break after about 45 min, then repeated the process for another 15 min, this time doing squats at each end. Up, 6 squats, back, 4 squats, up, 6, back, 3. Up, 4, back, 3. Up, 6, back, 4. And so on. All up, probably close to 200 squats.

After the second set of squats my legs were like jelly. And they stayed like that the entire hour. The trainer pushed and pushed, trying to get me to move faster, despite me trying to tell her that I needed to balance myself before moving so I wouldn’t fall over on the uneven ground. I was encouraged, told I was doing well, that I didn’t need to compare myself to anyone else, I was doing this for myself. The first time I went to grab some water to ease my throat I was told that I don’t need any water because nobody else needed any. In the background I heard the leading PT telling the rest of the group not to have any water between sets, to just keep going. I understand that this was to push me outside my comfort zone but something about it sent my emotions into chaos. My legs were like jelly, my lower back was painful from standing for so long, and when I was told not to have water I felt like I was being told to ignore what my body needs.

This goes against everything that I have been working to achieve in my work with Emazon. To listen to my gut, my authentic self, and to give my mind, body and spirit what it asks for. So I got cranky with her and had some water. I think she got frustrated with me and walked away for a few seconds.

She started encouraging me again, telling me I was doing well. Told me not to listen to what my mind was telling me when it was saying I was going to fall over because the ground was uneven or my jelly legs wouldn’t hold me. She pushed me to keep going and I did much more than I would have without her there beside me. For that I am grateful. I don’t think it’s really hit me yet, but I think this has been one of those “holy crap, look what I did!” moments, and I will be proud of that achievement.

Right now though, my brain is a little chaotic. I am glad I went, and that this woman pushed me beyond what I thought was possible. Several times I caught myself thinking “you do realise that I weigh almost 200kg, right?!?!”, wishing I could shout it to her to get her off my back. Several times (many times) I told her to get stuffed in my mind. I tried telling her (aloud) that I needed to steady myself before moving, she tried telling me to ignore it. And so we went, back and forth, for the entire hour (except for the times she rushed to help some of the others for a few minutes).

After it was all over I got to stand beside the main trainer for the group photo and she put her arm around me.

So, I’m trying to figure out what I need to get from this. I’m grateful that I went, that I did more than I would have had I not been pushed like I was. I also learned that I don’t enjoy bootcamps or the harshness in the way this one was run. Some people thrive on being yelled at. I don’t. I get cranky, irritable and argumentative. Rather than listening to and giving my body what it needs, I was encouraged to push past that and ignore it. And that I don’t like. At no point during the workout was I able to block out the crap my mind and body was saying and get into a zone where I was unaware of anything else around me.

I want and need to learn how to get into that zone.