It is the unknown that defines our existence

We explore. We seek. We discover.

I am watching an episode of Star Trek – Deep Space Nine. (Yup, I’m a bit of a trekky 🙂 ). This particular episode is exploring the concept of time and the way humans live. To exist in a linear fashion, using our past experiences to influence the present and our future. Here are a few quotes from a couple of characters that have resonated with me. They were talking about death and moving on afterward.

You exist here (the past, the day his wife died).

We cannot give you what you deny yourself. Look for solutions from within.

I have never figured out how to live without her (wife).

I do this. I live in my past. The past of shame, fear, guilt. These feelings have been with me for so long that I don’t know how to live without them. I don’t know how to live a life of joy and fulfillment. I’ve never had it before. Ever.

As this 12wbt journey has unfolded in the past 12 months I have done all kinds of things that lead me to that life. I start getting closer to it and the fear kicks in because I have no idea what that life will be like. I want that life. And yet, as the character in DS9 says, “we cannot give you what you deny yourself”. I’ve been denying myself exactly what I want because that fear is so strong.

Several people have been telling me that I need to let the fear go. To release it. I’ve been arguing with them that I don’t know HOW to let it go. And they tell me I don’t have to know. That if I take the ACTION first, the belief will follow. I know that’s true. And yet I haven’t been able to do it. So I have to wonder, do I really want it? I refuse to believe that I don’t.

So, I have a very simple choice. Do it. Don’t do it.

I’m gonna do it.




Deep Space Nine


Well, I have had an interesting week, to say the least. 

I promised myself the day before yesterday that I would get back into looking after myself and my health. Two days in, I believe I have accomplished that.

Yesterday morning I did the first PT session with my trainer in 2 weeks and today I have come up very sore and just slightly sorry for myself! Arms, back, chest, butt and thighs, all sore. That’s a sign I worked hard, right? I burned 479 calories and later in the night after work I brought that up by 237 calories with some time on my xtrainer … This morning I went to a bootcamp run by Shannan Ponton, Biggest Loser trainer, here in town. An hour later I had burnt 745 calories and after a very short rest, getting up and moving again was a big challenge! I got myself kiss on the cheek from Shannan when I arrived and he recognised me from last week, and then after the workout I got another photo with him. 

Someone who had seen both photos mentioned that she could see a difference and proceeded to put them together so I could see them side by side. I see some minor differences, but not huge ones. What do you think?



I have also been junk food free and have concentrated on the healthy food. My water intake yesterday was at least 3 litres as well. I feel really good about things and just quietly I feel like I am getting back on track. I will hopefully cement these with some significant mindset changes when I train with Emazon later this week. As terrified as I am at what may come out, I really want and need to do this for me. Bring it on!


Well, I have ha…


I’m not sure what I want to talk about tonight, I just feel the urge to write. So here I am. 

Lymphoedema. For those who don’t know, this essentially means that the lymphatic system doesn’t work correctly. It manifests as swelling in affected limbs. The lymph fluid pools in the limbs because it is unable to get to the lymph nodes, from where it travels to appropriate parts of the body to be ejected as waste. Most people who get it have experienced some kind of trauma to the body. Women with breast cancer who have had the lymph nodes removed, for example, often get it in their arms. People who have been in some kind of accident can get it, depending on which part of the body has been traumatised. And sometimes, as in my case, there is no known cause. I’ve had it now for 17 years. Since 1995. Treatment for it includes wearing compression garments on affected limbs (in my case for 24 hours a day, except whilst in water), lymphatic drainage massage and a stringent skin care routine to prevent infection.

In recent years, for the most part it is kept under control, though sometimes it can be a little draining to maintain the routines on a regular basis. Occasionally stuff happens to mix things up and upset the status quo. Several years ago I became ill with the flu and the infection left me with a pocket of fluid in my belly (apron), which at the time was very inflamed and infected. The infection cleared itself up, but the fibrous pocket of fluid remains. Occasionally I’ll have some trouble with this (has only happened twice before), as I do now. Since yesterday I have had some pain (not huge amounts, but definitely noticable) around my navel, the pocket has been more swollen than usual, and there has been some seeping of lymph fluid from my navel. With a small amount of blood. The times this has happened before have been when I have received new compression garments (have to replace garments every 6 months or so as they wear out) and they have been tight enough to push extra fluid out and it ends up coming out in odd places. It has only lasted for about 2 days and then goes away on its own. I’m told by my physio that it’s normal given the circumstances.

This time is a bit different. No new garments, so in theory there shouldn’t be any extra fluid to get rid of. That said, the fluid is still seeping. So in looking at what could possibly be the culprit for it, I was looking at the recent changes I have made with my lifestyle. Primarily the new exercise habits. One of the nurses on the forums assures me that when you increase your exercise it can be common to retain extra fluid due to increased blood flow. I am trusting that this is true and just taking things easy for a couple of days in the hope it clears up soon, and just focusing on the skin care routine and taking care of myself. I’m told that it shouldn’t seriously interfere with my new training routine, but I am backing off slightly for a couple of days. Especially since my new PT will be thrashing me on Thursday with another boxing session!

Added to that, I have had a Bowen treatment today and have been told to not train for 24 hours. So I’ll do a shorter session when I get home from work tomorrow (Wednesday) and then straight into the PT on Thursday. 

I’m not sure w…