The journey

Connection, fear, anxiety, purpose.

Truth, spirit.

Feelings, emotions.

Connecting with the thoughts, allowing them to line up with the emotions and the spirit. Making room, making space to allow the process tow ork, to allow the connections to occur in their own time and in their own way.

Allowing space, creating space to flow, to connect, to release, to cleanse. To rid the body of the physical manifestations of the pain, of the past, of the anxiety and fear that it has used to protect my spirit for such a long time.

To release the chemicals, to allow them room, to help them to find their own unique pathway to travel out of and away from the body they have called home for 43 years.

To create sacred space to honour their purpose in protection and supporting their host on her journey of discovery.

To allow the body to heal, to rediscover, or to initially discover, at least consciously, the nutrients and the scaffolding that will support it to function in the way my spirit and mind now need. To reveal the pathway forward into new, unchartered territory, into hope and joy and abundance and spirit and purpose. To support my body, mind and spirit as we move into and claim the space that has been rightfully mine for centuries. To claim the space that is my destiny and birthright.

To stand up and grasp hold of a future that is shining brightly, that is freedom, that is exactly where I am meant to be.

So as I move into this space and get used to being here, I support my body by listening to and honouring its needs. By  grounding myself in “centre”, by connecting with SELF, by using movement to release. Setting my intention.

Slowing down and looking inward before training, to hear the voice that KNOWS. The voice that I know will never lead me astray.

New routines & celebrations

So the last 10 weeks or so have been interesting!

You’ll know from previous posts that I spent some time on the central NSW coast in July for a self-care immersion. And you’ll also know that I came home and immediately began a 6 month food coaching program to support me in figuring out this final step of my transformation.

The first 7 or 8 weeks came up and hit me in the face with repetitive hard slaps. The process of keeping a food diary in and of itself brought up all kinds of emotions. I’m certainly not new to that process. I’ve been on all kinds of diets through my life and many of them required food diaries. Which I kept for about 3 days before giving it up. Every. Time. And yet here it is, week 10 (I think) and the food diary thing now feels like a normal part of the routine.

The emotions that have been brought up have certainly challenged me! I’ve had an inner 5 year old girl who has been throwing all kinds of tantrums. I’ve always used food to protect myself and sooth my fears. Fears of being inadequate and not good enough. Fears of rejection. Fears of all kinds of things. Let me tell you that little girl has given me many moments of concern. I honestly thought that she would always need comfort and support.

Today I’m not so sure that she will. She has kind of grown up in the last couple of weeks.

She is learning that she will be ok without the comfort and security of unhealthy foods. She is learning that her adult self is in charge and is making these changes in her best interests. She is learning to trust. She is learning that she is worthy. Without conditions.

And she loves that. She loves that she can be free. She loves that she can be herself. She loves that she doesn’t have to justify herself to anyone. And she loves herself.

Back to my adult self …

The last 2 weeks have been different. I’ve been working on the routine of meal planning and preparation over the last 3 weeks (ish). The first week was a lot dodgy, the next a little dodgy, and this most recent one seems very different. I felt so much better about doing the food prep. I spent some time on Sunday making curried sausages and smoked salmon, spinach & cream cheese filos. And then today I made a couple of different kinds of quiche type thingies and a pizza. The week before I made sweet potato & pumpkin soup, and curried sausages.

Curried sausages

smoked salmon, spinach & cream cheese filos

quiche thingies with vegies & chicken

quiche thingies with smoked salmon, spinach & cream cheese

more curried sausages

pumpkin & sweet potato soup

It’s not even the actual food that is the notable change. It’s the way I felt about cooking those things. Somewhat enthusiastic. Accomplished. Proud. And nowhere near as tired and fatigued as I have on previous food prep days.

And given the very long history of feeling resentful and angry around food preparation (wow, I didn’t know that was there till it came out of my fingers!), I’m going to take those feelings, savour them and enjoy them while they last.

Healing and Destiny

Feathers, rocks and trucks.

Mind, body, spirit.

Authentic self. Red print.

Homeostasis. Balance.

How do all these things fit together? How are they related?

The mind, body and spirit are the individual parts of the authentic self. Or, the authentic self is made up of the mind, body and spirit. The driver of these is the spirit. It is the one that has the ultimate power. Equally, the back stop is the body. The last line of defense. If something goes wrong with the body you can bet that something went wrong ages ago with one of the others. The feathers, rocks and trucks are the signals of whether you’re listening to your mind, body and spirit. If you refuse to listen, you receive a feather. If you continue to refuse, you get thrown a rock. And if you refuse to listen to that, you get run over by a truck. And it will reverse over you again and again and again until you get it. Until you surrender control and follow the messages that make up your truth. When you are in homeostasis, or balance, all is well. You feel centred and balanced. Your body is healthy. And when unbalanced, your body will break down and provide you with signs to listen to. Your spirit will give you signs. Your freewill allows you to choose whether you listen. But if you choose not to, watch out for the feathers, rocks and trucks!!

Speaking your truth. Different for everyone. Each of us has an authentic self, or red print, that is different. If you count the number of people on the planet that is how many red prints are in existence. Some will have similar characteristics or commonalities, but each is completely unique.

As the one in charge, our spirit will show us what our unique red print consists of. We will know by the things that attract us. Music, quotes, phrases, words, people, professions. Our job is to listen and align ourselves with these things. The closer we move toward it the more confident, healthy and centred we become. The further we move away from it, the more we feel lost, helpless, trapped and lonely. And the more we get feathers, rocks and trucks thrown at us.

After a lifetime of feeling confined and repressed I am finally understanding how much my body has taken in order to protect my spirit. Anger, frustration, repression, helplessness, sabotage. Comfort eating, weight gain, mobility issues, circulation issues, fluid issues, back pain, muscle cramps, pinched nerves. For 40+ years. That’s a lot of shit to carry. My body has done this for me. And for the most part has done it with little complaint. I don’t have high blood pressure. I’ve never had problems with my heart. I don’t have diabetes. I’ve eaten enough sugar and fat over the years to keep a small country going in order to protect myself from the expectations and “requirements” of other people. Do this, think this, be this, say this, don’t say that.

That noise became my normal way of being. It was the way the world was. It was the way I was.

My spirit needs more. It needs me to move closer and align myself to it. I have been given opportunities in the last few years to discover my purpose. To help myself and others to listen to their own spirit. My work has shown me, through the guidance of a selection of very special people in my life, that my talents lie in designing and delivering programs and support to people who are seeking their individual pathways to their own authentic selves. Every time I write a program and facilitate it the feelings I have tell me that I am very close to where I am meant to be. My thoughts and emotions tell me I am close. I can feel it throughout my entire being.

The damage that has been done to my body needs repairing. As I take steps to do so, I uncover more layers. They have been layers of damage and despair. And now they are becoming layers of healing and repair.

Training, nutrition, meditation. Self-care, self-love, self-nurture. Respect, boundaries, love.

Listening. And speaking my truth.

Speaking the language of my spirit. The language that allows it to fly free and soar. The language that pricks tears in my eyes because I know it is my destiny. My vast, full, pure destiny.

For now; healing.

For the future; freedom.