It is the unknown that defines our existence
We explore. We seek. We discover.
I am watching an episode of Star Trek – Deep Space Nine. (Yup, I’m a bit of a trekky 🙂 ). This particular episode is exploring the concept of time and the way humans live. To exist in a linear fashion, using our past experiences to influence the present and our future. Here are a few quotes from a couple of characters that have resonated with me. They were talking about death and moving on afterward.
You exist here (the past, the day his wife died).
We cannot give you what you deny yourself. Look for solutions from within.
I have never figured out how to live without her (wife).
I do this. I live in my past. The past of shame, fear, guilt. These feelings have been with me for so long that I don’t know how to live without them. I don’t know how to live a life of joy and fulfillment. I’ve never had it before. Ever.
As this 12wbt journey has unfolded in the past 12 months I have done all kinds of things that lead me to that life. I start getting closer to it and the fear kicks in because I have no idea what that life will be like. I want that life. And yet, as the character in DS9 says, “we cannot give you what you deny yourself”. I’ve been denying myself exactly what I want because that fear is so strong.
Several people have been telling me that I need to let the fear go. To release it. I’ve been arguing with them that I don’t know HOW to let it go. And they tell me I don’t have to know. That if I take the ACTION first, the belief will follow. I know that’s true. And yet I haven’t been able to do it. So I have to wonder, do I really want it? I refuse to believe that I don’t.
So, I have a very simple choice. Do it. Don’t do it.
I’m gonna do it.
I feel … strange.
I’m not sure how to describe it. The last few weeks I’ve been struggling a lot. With everyday actions regarding my nutrition and training, as well as my emotions.
A couple of weeks ago I did a post that ended with the thought that I felt like I needed some things to change in my life. I have been allowing my body to reset and adjust to all the new things I had been asking of it for a full 12 weeks. I have been attending kinesiology and acupuncture appointments to help my body rebalance. These have been beneficial to my physical body and have pinpointed a lot of emotions that I have been holding onto for a very long time. Years long. Years AND years. And the emotions have sent my head into turmoil. There has been so much emotion.
12 weeks. Acupuncture. Kinesiology. Psychology. Emotion. Turmoil. Chaos.
A lot for one itty bitty brain (no comments from the peanut gallery on the size of my brain please!!) to manage. To process and make sense of.
Fear. A LOT of fear. Paralysing fear. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of my potential. Fear of not being able to live a life of love, joy and fulfillment. Fear of allowing myself to be open and vulnerable to people and having them discover that I am not worth knowing.
I allow the fear to paralyse me. I allow it to lead my actions back to old coping mechanisms. Old nutritional habits. Food that will keep me away from that elusive “life of joy”.
Every time I think about it I recognise objectively that the thoughts I am experiencing are not who I am. They do not define me. They are simply words. And they are completely separate from me. And yet I allow myself to be hooked by them on a daily basis. Over and over again. And by doing that I move myself further away from the life I am aiming for. A circular motion that has me essentially treading water.
So, my brain has been really struggling with this. I feel like I need to take a serious leap of faith to get through this block. To literally do something so out there, that it takes a humongous effort for me to pull it off. An effort that will require every single courageous bone in my body, and every single protective instinct I possess. Every time I think of it my brain has a silent panic attack. A serious panic attack. And yet there is also somewhat of a sense of calmness, of right-ness about it too. It’s a strange feeling.
This video is my crew, doing their thing. Since the day I joined the crew in February of 2012 I have been repeatedly amazed and blown away by their support and awesomeness.
I felt the need tonight to share this with you and shout out about how incredible they are.
This video gave me goosebumps and tears. I feel full of pride for every single one of these amazing people. And this is only some of them!
Meet my family 🙂